8 Most Unusual Holiday Gifts

When I originally envisioned this post, I was simply going to pull items from the Sharper Image catalog or the As-Seen-on-TV aisle, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had very good examples from my own family. So, here goes...

8. 40 Pound Box of Laundry Detergent - Yes, my mother is a hard person to buy for. She tends to be very practical. One year, my dad took the practicality too far. He got her a 40 pound box of laundry detergent for Christmas. He claims that he got her something nice to go with it, but NOBODY remembers that. She wasn't too pleased, and therefore got him an air filter for his car for his birthday.

7. Smelly Hammers - My grandfather gave all of his grandkids a hammer one year, and these were REALLY nice hammers. However, the rubber handle smelled awful. What most of us did not realize was that the smell would go away with use. Instead, we bathed with and washed our hammers in scented bath soap in the hopes that the smell would dissipate.

6. A Baton - Yes, I am from East Texas, and so yes, one year I desperately wanted and received a baton for Christmas (yes, a twirler's baton--East Texas is the land of feature twirlers). By the time I outgrew that baton, I had managed to give myself multiple black eyes with it and bruises on my arms and legs.

5. Hilary Clinton for President Tshirt - My dad received this tshirt from his brother one year. If I remember correctly, my dad wore it for the day and then cut it up for cleaning rags. (Can you tell how he feels about Hilary for President?)

4. Fingernail clippers - Every year (well, now it is every other year), my grandparents would put fingernail clippers in our stockings. Apparently, it is important to have 1 or 2 or 17 pairs on hand. There was finally such an overabundance of clippers in all of our houses, that we asked them to go to every other year. I've managed to lose all my pairs right now, so I am hoping this is a "clipper year".

3. Tires - A couple of years ago, Santa gave me a set of 4 tires for Christmas. It's not the most normal gift, but it was definitely the most appreciated one.

2. Those Awful Chocolate Oranges - On one side of the family (not the nail clipper side), we get those awful chocolate oranges in our stockings each year. And each year I am surprised that they are still being made, because I am sure no one in the country actually likes the taste of those things.

1. Dollar Store Items - The year that my mother REALLY discovered the world of the dollar stores (Dollar Tree, Dollar General, etc.), she did most of her Christmas shopping at those stores. To be fair, those who shop at these establishments know that at Dollar Tree, everything is $1. However, at Dollar General, everything is just cheap, and most of the items cost more than $1. I remember being amazed at the Dollar General skillet I received.

Well, Happy Friday, and I hope you are enjoying the countdown. Tomorrow's countdown list will be 7 Ways to Survive the Holidays.

9 Holiday Outfits that Should Never Be Worn

Now before I begin this post, I need to offer a preface. First, I am sick today, so if parts of the post sound mild to moderately unintelligible, it is probably due to the copious amounts of Nyquil in my system. Secondly, to all of my friends who might subscribe to these fashion trends, I am sorry.

9. Holiday Sweaters - I am not talking about the beautiful red sweater you might wear around Christmastime. No, I am talking about the sweaters that have pictures woven into the garment or that have bells or snowmen's noses dangling from the garments. The only time a Holiday sweater should be worn is if you are under the age of 10 (yes, kids can pull off the cuteness of this look) or if you are going to a Tacky Sweater Party.

8. Reindeer Headbands - This is another holiday fashion trend that ONLY works on kids. If you are well past childhood, then a reindeer headband should stay far away from your head.

7. Clothing that Plays Music - Now I know that this could almost fall into the category of Holiday Sweater, but I think the electronic aspect of it really sends it into a whole other arena. There are two types of Music Clothing. The first is the motion activated clothing, and that is the closest to being acceptable. The other type is the pressure activated clothing. Maybe it is my need to maintain my dance space, but anything that requires you laying your hand upon some random person to encourage the Christmas spirit just seems a little off. My favorite was one I saw a few years ago. It was a knit shirt with 3 angels on it, and you had to activate all 3 angels. The positioning of those angels was so unfortunate.

6. Christmas Plaid (Either Skirt or Tie) - Again, this is a trend that looks absolutely darling on kids, but just a little strange on adults.

5. The Suggestive Santa Shirt - You know what I'm talking about (I am not going to explain it), but there are holiday t-shirts that have taken our jolly holiday symbol and just made it wrong.

4. Elf Shoes - Unless you are going to a costume party or a sci-fi convention, then elf shoes should not be in your repertoire. (And those of you who dress up for sci-fi conventions, please come talk to me. There are other issues you probably need to be working on.)

3. Holiday Pajamas OUTSIDE of the House - I am all for a good pair of Christmas pj's. I even have a couple of pairs myself, but those articles of clothing are meant for the privacy of your own home.

2. Holiday Undergarments OUTSIDE of the House - I realize that this one really should go without saying, but after seeing someone parade around in their holidays boxers through the mall, apparently it DOES need to be said. Underwear falls into the same category as pj's. They are meant for the privacy of your own home.

1. The "Christmas Explosion" Outfit - More than 2 holiday items on at one time, really is pushing it. A beautiful green sweater and christmas broach look festive together, but if you add the plaid headband or wooden Christmas necklace, then you have just sent things over the top. Your goal should not be to wear every Christmas thing you own all at once. Less truly is more.

Well, I hope I have not offended anyone with my holiday fashion commentary, because it truly is just my opinion. However, if I see the man walking around in his boxers again in the mall, I may just have to confront him as to why his UNDERwear has become his ALL-TO-SEE-wear.

Tomorrow's List: The 8 Most Unusual Holiday Gifts.

10 Reasons to Get Your Shopping Done Before December

As my twelve days of Christmas countdown continues (although, as one of my friends pointed out, the 12 days of Christmas actually start on December 25 and go into January; I was just hoping nobody would know that), here is list #10.

10 Reasons to Get Your Shopping Done Before December

10. Obvious Reason--You save time by getting the shopping done early.

9. Crowded Stores--In December, the stores are uber-crowded with patrons, and the aisles become like the bumper car ride at an amusement park. Invariably, there is some pushing and kicking (I have only kicked someone ONCE, and I had a really good reason), but it ends up feeling more like a cattle-call than a shopping experience.

8. No Selection--Face it, people, once Black Friday has come and gone, the selection of gift items greatly diminishes. In December, the stores pull out all their extra sets of nose-hair trimmers and Sham-Wows that nobody wanted to buy and tries to pawn them off on desperate shoppers who waited until the last minute to purchase a gift for their loved one.

7. Set the Trend--If you do your shopping early, you can set the trend of "What's Hot" for that year. That way, when your child shows up to school wearing a Hannah Oregon backpack from Dollar Tree, the rest of her classmates will be sporting the same look because you spread the word about the must-have items.

6. Crowded Stores #2--No, this is not a repeat of List Item #9, this is in reference to the sales people. In December, stores hire on extra sales staff who are desperately hoping to make some extra money for the holiday season. Take for example the cosmetics area at a widely known department store. As I walked through there on Saturday, there was a line of about 14 perfume sprayers each trying to get me to buy their scent by dousing me with a spritz. When I finally made it to the end of the aisle (and stopped coughing as if I had a communicable disease) I realized that I smelled like something that should be placed in a biohazard bin. I had to go straight home and wash myself with bleach to remove the smells.

5. No Parking Spots--Once the stores get crowded, the parking lots do too, and then we all turn into parking lot stalkers. You know what I'm talking about. You see someone exit a store, and you get right behind them in your car as they walk across the parking lot. You are going all of 3 mph, and they keep looking over their shoulder at you because while they understand what you are doing, they are still a little worried that the holiday madness in you might snap at any moment. Then, if they happen to cross over a couple of aisles (thus leaving your chase fruitless) then you find yourself saying all of those words that you know you shouldn't.

4. No Salvation Army Bell Ringers--Okay, admit it. You know that sometimes you pick up your pace and refuse to make eye contact with the Red Bell Ringers, and you placate yourself by making up some sort of excuse that you give to the needy through church. And then the guilt plagues you. The Red Bell Ringers don't come out until the holiday season. So, by doing your shopping early, you alleviate a fair amount of guilt. (Preemptive add-on--before anyone gets onto me about how blessed I am and how I should be helping others, please note the sarcasm and humor with which this entire post and this specific item in particular are written. I feel I have to say that because my sense of humor doesn't always translate well.)

3. Guide Your Child's Santa List--By already purchasing their Christmas morning gifts, you can use the preceeding months to encourage them towards those specific items. For example, sit in your child's room each evening as they are asleep and quietly whisper, "You want new underwear and a bookbag from Santa," over and over. The osmosis of it will show up when they sit in Santa's lap and proclaim their undying desire for undergarments and school supplies.

2. Materialism--If your Christmas shopping has already been completed by the time the season rolls around, then you can pretend that you like to use the holiday season to remind your family about the spiritual aspect of the season and about what is truly important rather than succumbing to the materialistic nature of retail industry.

1. Wassailing--Finishing your shopping prior to December allows you plenty of time to go wassailing. (I'm not actually sure what wassailing is, but the song "Here we go a wassailing..." always sounds so cheerful, so I am sure it is fun.)

Hope your day is wonderful, and stay tuned for tomorrows Countdown list of 9 Holiday Outfits that Should Never Be Worn.

I Love Me Some Christmastime

I love me some Christmastime. I always have. I enjoy getting to be with family, and I just enjoy the holiday. In honor of the season, I am going to do a "Countdown to Christmas".

Now, I have to be honest, I originally intended to do a twelve day countdown list (a la "Twelve Days of Christmas"), but I seemed to have done my math wrong, and if I were to start a twelve day countdown today, then it would end the day AFTER Christmas.

So, we are just going to pretend that I did #12, and I will start with #11.

Here, then, are my Eleven Favorite Christmas Memories.

11. The year of the Star Wars money banks. All the boys got one, and I did not. I was H.E.A.R.T.B.R.O.K.E.N. They called me for weeks after Christmas and their money banks (which played an appropriate Star Wars tune) left messages on my answering machine.

10. The year of the Whitman's Sampler. The short version of the story is that this is the year that one of the family members decided the best way to open Christmas gifts was one at a time--which is painfully awful when there are 21 people sitting in the room. So, while the adults were taking their turns each opening a gift, the grandkids ate 2 WHOLE boxes of Whitman's Samplers. That much chocolate on an empty stomach makes for an interesting day.

9. The singing of the Twelve Days of Christmas. On my mother's side, we sing Christmas carols on Christmas Eve. One of the songs we sing is of course the Twelve Days of Christmas. Aunt Patsy is always "five golden rings" and Aunt Ruth is always "a patridge in a pear tree". Here's the thing, after many decades of doing this, Aunt Ruth still can't remember her line of "...and a partridge in a pear tree," and must be cued each time.

8. Sleeping on an "air mattress". For the longest time, I was the only girl cousin on my dad's side. So, when figuring out sleeping arrangements, the boys always slept in one room together and I was made to sleep on the floor wherever there was an open space in the house (generally the kitchen). One year, though, someone bought an air mattress for me to sleep on. I was incredibly excited until I figured out it was one of those really thin swimming pool floaty mattresses. It still felt like I was sleeping on the floor.

7. The year of the grapefruits. One Christmas, one of my uncles got everyone boxes of grapefruit (which is NOT a much-loved fruit in our family). So, the grandkids spent the afternoon sneaking grapefruit out of the house and using it for target practice with my grandfather's rifle.

6. The poinsettia lights. one year, my grandparents proudly purchased new lights for their Christmas tree. They were the most awful looking poinsettia's on a string. I am still kicking myself that I didn't take those when my grandmother was getting rid of them because I do love all things ugly.

5. The ice on the overpass. Coming home from Lubbock one Christmas, I was given the privilege of driving. However, I had only had my license for less than a year. As we drove over the overpass in Post, I pointed out to my mother the overturned jeep on the other side of the road. It was at that moment that we hit a patch of ice. Once we started sliding, I chose to completely let go of the wheel, whereas my mother dived across the seat so that maybe someone would steer the car to safety. We managed to spin around and careen enough to hit all FOUR corners of the car before we slid to a stop off the road. My dad tied the bumpers (yes, plural) back on with some sort of wire, and we continued the 9 hour drive back home.

4. Mexican food. Okay, this isn't as much a story as it is a tradition. On my dad's side of the family, we eat homemade Mexican food for our Christmas meal. Yummy!

3. Mother's side of the family. On my mother's side of the family, we do our big thing on Christmas Eve with the WHOLE family--2nd, 3rd, and 4th cousins (yes, it is a regular hootenanny). Then on Christmas Day, we go to my mother's sister's house.

2. Family. I love the fact that even after all these years, both sides of the family have worked to get together for the holidays. Every other year (on both sides), we have everyone there. It's a tremendous amount of fun and VERY VERY loud.

1. Skipbo and 42. On my dad's side, we like to play games. The main two games we play are Skipbo and 42. Now, my dad's side has an interesting take on how to teach kids games. They don't do the whole "let's let the children be successful and learn the game". Oh no...they trash talk to the kids, and you know it has been a successful game if at least one player has been made to cry. With Skipbo, we all play together, but with 42, there are levels. You must first prove yourself at the "B" table before you are allowed to step within the inner-sanctum of the "A" table. And if you are seated at the "A" table, you must be ready for blood because there is a good chance your partner will throw something at you if you mess up a play. (Yes, we are a loving and caring family.)

Well, I hope you enjoyed my "11" list. Check back tomorrow for my "10 Reasons to Get All of Your Shopping Done in November."

Laminator - 17, Me - 0

Yes, people, the laminator has won AGAIN. It really shouldn't be that difficult. Do you understand the seriousness of my strife? I have multiple degrees, and I still cannot for the life of me figure out how to change the film in a laminating machine.

Everytime I think I have finally figured it out, the laminator scoffs in my face.

Last night was attempt #17. I had been working on it for a good 45 minutes (with absolutely NO SUCCESS), when a kind lady came into the workroom. She saw that I was either about to cry buckets of tears or fling the laminator down a long flight of stairs, and so she intervened.

I handed her the instruction booklet (which, yes, I had been using) and all the parts that were supposed to be on the machine but I hadn't actually figured out where to put them after taking them off, and I stepped away.

In approximately 5 minutes, she had the machine back up and running. No lie. It was that quick. When she turned to me to show me that it was now working (and that she had fixed it with great ease), my first inclination was to run screaming through the building and out into traffic. But, I restrained myself.

Instead, I think I will make her speed dial #1 in my phone because I don't think I can take another laminating machine failure.

1 Hour and 16 Minutes

1 hour and 16 minutes...

That is the amount of time the clock in my car is ahead. Half of the year, it is only ahead 16 minutes. Either way, I always know what time it is in my car.

This is important because in the last week or so, not one but TWO people tried to change the time, and it sent me into a hyperventilating tizzy, because all of a sudden, I had NO IDEA what time it was.

Usually, when someone new gets into my car, they stare at my clock and then me in disbelief. The first question that comes out of their mouth is, "Why?" The second thing that happens is that they then try to change the time so that it "conforms to standard concept of time."

Guess what happens third? Yep...hyperventilating tizzy.

So, I am here to tell all of you who are concerned by the fact that my car clock is an hour and 16 minutes ahead, that it is perfectly okay. It has been that way for about five years now (or technically 2 1/2 years because of the time change), and I am generally on time to places. Plus, when I have done something dumb, I can create my own "Back to the Future" moment by turning back my clock and reliving the moment more appropriately. See...it is a win-win situation.

Give Me a BIG Smile

For today's post, I thought I would showcase the wonderful, artistic talents of the daughter of one of my friends. As her mother and I sat at their kitchen table on Saturday afternoon, she created this portrait for me, and I told her that I wanted to post it and show it off. So, here it is.
The thing that really strikes me about this picture is just how accurately she was able to draw it.

Eyes: Notice how one eye is looking in a slightly different place than the other. She got that EXACTLY right. Because my eyes do not look in exactly the same spot, there is a complete and total ban of anyone taking pictures of me. The few that have been snapped come out with me looking either drugged or drunk.

Hair: The hair is a cute chin length bob. Unfortunately, my current chin length bob is the result of a MAJOR hair trauma on Thursday. (I would tell you the story, but I still can't talk about it without crying. The short version is that by the end of the day on Thursday, I had had not one but TWO haircuts, and lost a substantial amount of hair.)

Cheeks: My cheeks have always been very round. When I was a little girl, and the apples of my cheeks dwarfed the rest of my face. I looked a little like one of those porcelain, creepy clown heads that you find in carnival machines.

Smile: She managed to capture my "Sunday" smile (which is an explanation for another post), and my parents will be pleased to see the lovely orthodontial work that she also represented in the picture. I'm kind of wishing my teeth were still that straight. If only I hadn't thrown away my retainer with my leftover hot pretzel in the 8th grade, my teeth might still be that perfect.

All in all, I think she did a GREAT job with the picture and definitely has a future in art. Hmm...do you think the next time Olan Mills comes to take pictures for the directory that they would just let me use this instead of an actual photograph?