1 Undeniable Sign That It Is Officially Christmas Day

1. Because the date on the calendar reads December 25.

Merry Christmas to you and yours on this wonderful holiday!

2 Indications That It Is Almost Christmas

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone. Christmas is almost here, and with the approach of Christmas comes a whole new brand of crazy. Everyone is scurrying around to finish last minute gift shopping and grocery shopping. The time of season that should bring about peace and joy to everyone instead encourages impatience and a penchant towards road rage. Therefore, I have resolved to find my "inner ho-ho-ho" as I survive (I mean enjoy) the last 24 hours leading up to Christmas.

With all of that being said, here is my countdown list of 2 Indications That It Is Almost Christmas.

2. The sheer volume of sweets that seem to magically appear. Seriously, I don't know if this happens at anyone else's house, but in my family, boxes, tins, trays, and platters seem to materialize out of nowhere the moment Christmas seems to be upon us. My family even had to move an extra bookshelf into the dining area to help house said sweets. We have peanut patties, peanut brittle, fudge with nuts, fudge without nuts, 7 tubs of ice cream (two flavors), cupcakes, 2 banana puddings, pies, and a few other boxes-tins-trays-platters that I didn't even have a chance to open up. Christmas is definitely at our doorstep.

1. There is a line for the bathroom (and no, I am not venturing into the world of gastrointestinal issues...ick, gross). What the line indicates is that the house is full of people. I am currently out at my grandparents farm, and with everyone there, we have 30 people. And that means 30 people for 2 bathrooms. I think that ratio would have the OCIA people concerned. But it is almost Christmas, and the Christmas spirit means that it is okay to wait an uncomfortable length of time for your turn in the restroom.

Well, tomorrow brings the conclusion of my countdown list. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate and tomorrow's #1 list can go out with a bang (complete with PICTURES).

3 Reasons Not to Go to Walmart on December 22

First off, I want to give a BIG thank you to my friend Roxanne for taking on the duties of the #4 Countdown List. Even though I harassed her (in the comment section of the post) about not being able to count to four and using colored fonts and using different font sizes, her post really was great, and it was so nice to just turn "the pressure of the lists" over to someone else for a day. However, now I am going to step up the quality of my posts, because she set a much higher standard than what I typically strive for or am able to achieve.

My family has a bit more traveling to do today, and so I set my alarm in preparation of completing the #3 list before we were "on the road again" (yes, I am apparently feeling the need to channel my own innner Willie Nelson, and yes, I am currently wearing a red bandana to complete that channeling).

The inspiration for this countdown post comes from the trip I took last night to Walmart. (You are welcome to openly mock me in all of my stupidity now. If I weren't so traumatized by the trip, even I would be openly mocking myself.) Anyway, as I said, I made a trip last night to Walmart to pick up a few remaining items. I guess I should also admit that I went to Walmart really late the night before too, so there has been double trauma.

However, it is time to get on to the list. Here are 3 Reasons Not to Go to Walmart on December 22.

3. I think I saw all of the people who regularly make the "People of Walmart" website all in one trip. I saw all sorts of body parts that really left a scar seared into the back of my corneas (or retinas, or whatever part of the eye helps you see). To make matters worse, most of these folks chose to exhibit their holiday spirit by incorporating Christmas colors in their "interesting" choice of clothes. I mean we all know that nothing says "Happy Holidays" like a green and red bikini top in the middle of December on a person of a rather large nature. Oh, and did I mention that the words "Merry Christmas" were on her clothing item. Take a moment to think, and you will figure out where the "Merry" and the "Christmas" were. Truly, I can just feel my Christmas Spirit diminishing.

2. If you are needing to get a last minute gift, then there is a good chance that all you will end up with is a holiday pack of Nightswept (anybody catch the reference there?) and a dented tin of flavored popcorn. So, for my family members receiving those gifts, please remember that it is the thought that counts.

1. As "unusual" as a shopping experience can be at Walmart on a regular day, that oddity quotient jumps exponentially the closer to Christmas you get. Some of the things I saw last while completing my shopping--a family playing the game Twister in the middle of the toy section; a shopping cart with 6 kids in it being pushed by "bikini lady" from point #3 above; a man loudly singing "Material Girl" (really, Madonna transcends gender and age and senility); and the entire Village People group (okay, it probably wasn't really the Village People, but they were in costume).

With all of that being said, I have finally COMPLETED my Christmas shopping--WOOHOO! Now, I am not sure what tomorrow's post will be, but I have 6 hours in a car today to figure it out, so hopefully it will come to me.

(Tardy) Guest Blogger: My Four Favorite Animated Classics of Christmas (+2)

Hello, all. This is Roxanne. . .Jennifer's friend. She is headed north and west in the Grand and Glorious Empire, so she has asked me to be guest blogger today. I am VERY late with the post because I don't know if I can do her other lists justice, but I'm gonna try.

Therefore, I give you: The Four Animated Classics of Christmas (+2)

There may be more than 4 (+2) animated/claymation Christmas movies that could be named here, but these are the ones that harken back to my childhood and the huge Magnavox cabinet t.v. that got all of 2 channels (ABC and CBS). Either myself or one of my siblings served as the remote control. There were no VCR's, and 8 track tape players were still all the rage--though we didn't have one. We had one set and were at the whim of whatever "cops 'n robbers" show Daddy wanted to watch, but on Christmas special night, the t.v. was ours. Momma was normally in the kitchen making Martha Washingtons, or Millionaires, or Chex Mix, and we were on the couch in animated Christmas bliss.

So, these are The Classics according to me.

1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Who doesn't love this one? Poor little "Baby Claus" being given to Burgermeister Meisterburger--the most heinous of the claymation villians



Then, breaking away and being lost in the snow. Along come the wonderful Kringles with all of their rhyming names to the rescue.

"Well, wiggle my ears and tickle my toes. I think I see a baby's nose."

"It's more than a nose. There's a whole baby attached to it!"

"A baby what?"

"A baby Baby!!!!"

There's Topper the Penguin lost at the wrong pole, and the Winter Warlock who has always wanted a choo-choo, and lovely Jessica and the woodland wedding in the snow. Plus an all time classic Christmas song and some Fred Astaire and Mickey Rooney thrown in for good measure.

2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer



Gene Autry had no idea the wonderful hero he would unleash on the world by recording "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." It's as much a part of Christmas as Santa. . .as are the varying versions with added lyrics. I love Burle Ives as the narrator. I love Rudolph's stuffy little voice when his dad puts mud on his nose to hide the glow. I love Mrs. Claus fussing at "Papa" because he's too skinny. I love Hermey and his obsession with dentistry. I love Clarice and her tenderness towards Rudolph.



And most of all I love Yukon Cornelius, his big booming voice, and his willingness to help tame the Bumble.

3. Frosty the Snowman

"Happy Birthday!" Classic. That and the little sproingy, bouncy noises made by the bunny as he escapes the evil magician. I remember as a child disolving into tears right along with Karen when we first see Frosty in his puddle state.

And who really ever gets all the words to the song right? Is it "jolly, happy soul" or "happy, jolly soul" or. . .everyone just seems to fall into a sustained hum at some point.

4. A Charlie Brown Christmas

There are no words I can say that will adequately do justice to your own memories of this classic. So, I let the images speak for themselves while the soundtrack runs through your mind.









Lest I get black-balled from being guest blogger again (and since there are more than four classic animated/claymation movies), allow me to add two more.

+1 How the Grinch Stole Christmas



Obviously, Christmas gold. "You're a mean one Mr. Grinch. . ."





Seriously. Does ANY animated character get as cute and as vulnerable as this one?




Narrator: As the Grinch took the tree, as he started to shove, he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast and he saw a small Who. Little Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two. She stared at the Grinch and said...

Cindy Lou Who: Santie Claus, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?



And this poor, poor doggie. I just want to pat him on the head and give him a nice, warm blanket.

+2 Emmet Otters Jugband Christmas


I didn't see this until I was in Jr. High, but if you've not seen this little video, let me encourage you to do so. The songs, the story, the entire thing is great--especially when there ain't no hole in the washtub.

5 Foods That Should Be a Staple of Christmas

Yes, I realize that I did not post a preview for today's countodwn list at the end of yesterday's post, but that is because I had NO IDEA what I was going to write today. You see, I am from deep east Texas. Intelligence isn't naturally a part of who I am (it is due to all the inbreeding). So, doing this many posts in this short of a time period has taxed my brain substantially.

Anyway, yesterday I was standing in the youth minister's office after we had just come out of a long meeting, and I received some suggestions on the list for today. My first plan was for it to be 5 Words You Can Spell with the Letters in SANTA.

5. As
4. An
3. At
2. Sat
1. Satan

However, I thought I might receive a good bit of flack for associating the jolly bringer of Christmas goodies with the devil--even if it was meant in a truly humor-filled way.

The other suggestion I received was about food. So, without further adieu, here are 5 Foods That Should Be a Staple of Christmas.

5. Homemade Candy - Every family has different types of homemade candy they love at the holidays. My family prefers to eat fudge, Martha Washigton's (which I really don't understand while they are called that), and peanut brittle. My dentist prefers us to stick mainly with the peanut brittle because what better way to say, "Merry Christmas, and here is a boat payment for you," than by eating lots of hard, crunchy, and uber-sticky candy that is sure to form multiple cavities the moment it even goes near your mouth.

4. Store Bought Candy - You know you love a good Whitman's Sampler or a nice big Toblerone. Yes, this candy falls into the same dental category as the stuff above, but it also has an added bonus of being neatly packaged so that you can sit a box (or tube) in your lap and just eat away. All of the gyms love the store bought candy. In fact, they are in cahoots with Mr. Whitman and Mr. Toblerone to insure that after the holidays you will feel sufficiently larger thereby requiring a new gym membership as part of your "New Year's Resolution".

3. Rolls - It doesn't matter if your rolls are homemade or store bought. It is simply important to have them in a bread basket at each meal. Besides being an easy-to-eat food item for the little ones, if your Aunt Colleen starts getting mouthy with you at the dinner table, you can simply pick up a roll and throw it at her.

2. Mashed Potatoes - This food item should actually be a staple at ALL major holidays--Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Bastille Day. It is just good food. What makes mashed potatoes such a necessity is that Christmas is about family. It is about young and old coming together to celebrate the birth of Christ (nobody is allowed to point out that he was not actually born at this time of the year) and the spirit of togetherness and love. However, with such a wide age-range of people coming together, it is important to have food that everyone can eat, and mashed potatoes fits that requirement. It is soft enough for both babies and old people to gum down. Plus, you can make it as bland as you need to for those suffering from intestinal issues. Then, if throwing the rolls at Aunt Colleen doesn't work, mashed potatoes and a spoon make an excellent catapult. It is a win-win food all the way around.

1. Fruitcake - I have to admit that I have NEVER understood the appeal of fruitcake, but it seems to be available in copious amounts every holiday season. When did our dessert selection get so bad that someone thought a densely packed lump of cake stuffed with dried, candied fruits might be the best option. And the longer it sits there, the heavier it gets (really, have you picked up a block of fruitcake at the beginning of the holidays and then again at the end). I'm not sure how that happens, but I think it falls under the category of Christmas miracle. This year, I urge everyone to start replacing their fruitcakes with other, more-appetizing desserts. Or, at least cut it in to smaller pieces so that when you must pretend to enjoy some, you can wrap it into your napkin without too much notice.

Merry Christmas Week, and Happy Monday. Tomorrow's countdown list will be the 4 Joys of Christmas Ribbon.

6 Obscure Christmas Carol Lyrics

Who doesn't love a good Christmas Carol? This is the only season of the year with hundreds of songs dedicated specifically it to. And each year that we are together, my grandmother distributes typed and risographed lyric sheets that she made 25 years ago of Christmas carols for us to sing as a family (this is the hootenanny side of my family).

What I have noticed over the years, though, is that because of this tradition, I seem to know way more Christmas Carols than the average person, and I even seem to know all the verses that go along with these carols. Therefore, that was the inspiration for this countdown list--6 Obscure Christmas Carol Lyrics.

Now, unlike the other posts, this one is a quiz. I am curious as to how many of you can figure out what carol each of these come from. And please no googling...I know that trick. I have done it before. Also, I think you will notice "why" these verses or lyrics aren't typically sung in general society anymore.

SONGS:
6. Come Desire of Nations come,
Fix in us thy humble home.
Rise, the woman's conquering Seed,
Bruise in us the serpent's head.
Adam's likeness now efface
Stamp thine image in its place

5. Hither, page, and stand by me.
If thou know it telling:
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?
Sire, he lives a good league
Hence,underneath the mountain,
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes fountain.

4. A day or two ago,
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright,
was seated by my side;
The horse was lean and lank,
misfortune seemed his lot;
He got into a drifted bank
and we got upsot.

3. Johnny wants a pair of skates;
Susy wants a dolly;
Nellie wants a story book;
She thinks dolls are folly;
As for me, my little brain
Isn't very bright;
Choose for me, old Santa Claus,
What you think is right.

2. Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.

1. Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.


ANSWERS:
6. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
5. Good King Wenceslas
4. Jingle Bells
3. Jolly Old St. Nicholas
2. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

7 Ways to Survive the Holidays

Well, folks, I am a little later getting this post written than I intended, but I have not forgotten about it. Now that I have finished my Christmas shopping, my mind can focus solely on the task at hand which is 7 Ways to Survive the Holidays.

7. Put your earbuds in, turn on your Ipod, and refuse to make contact with the outside world until December 26. When you are asked to set the table for dinner, simply point at your ears, shake your head, and mouth, "I can't hear you." Keep doing this until the requesting person walks away.

6. Pretend you are sleeping. Go into one of the back bedrooms with your portable DVD player or a book and get under the covers. Then, when you hear someone approaching the door, assume the sleep position. If anyone asks why you are so tired, explain to them that the soup kitchen is short on volunteers, and so you have been working extra shifts.

5. Embrace the craziness around you. We've all heard the phrase, "If you can't beat them, then join them." Well, this applies to Christmas too. If you have repeatedly asked the carolers to skip your house after 8pm because it might wake the kids, and yet they continue to deck your halls, then join. Grab a good, old-fashioned bullhorn, and travel around the neighborhood with them singing the Christmas carols in as off-key a tune as possible. If the children or going to be disturbed, them disturb them wholeheartedly.

4. Take up residence at the movie theater. A lot of really good movies open up Christmas day. Head out to the theater as soon as you get up, and just rotate between movies until you've managed to avoid Christmas altogether.

3. Become the holiday photographer, and go crazy snapping pictures of anything and everything you see. Don't be afraid to be obtrusive. Get in your families' faces and give them photographic direction as if they were on the set of a shoot. Wear your camera around your neck and repeat this behavior everywhere you go. Pretty soon, your family will start avoiding you like the plague.

2. Don't cook a single thing for the holidays. Become the anti-Martha Stewart. Tell your family that in order to remain calm and peaceful that you need to keep your stress level down and your cholesterol up. Pick up breakfast each morning from Shipleys, then swing by McDonalds for lunch (but at least allow your family to order more than 1 item off the dollar menu), and for dinner, find an all you can eat buffet. Now, of course, Christmas dinner needs to be special, so pull out all of the leftovers from the fast-food eating, mix them all together, and call it Shepherd's Pie. Someone may need to go to the hospital after Christmas is over, but it won't be due to stress.

1. Pretend you don't speak English. Learn a few key phrases in a different, but obscure, language. Then when you are walking through the stores, and people start becoming impatient or rude simply respond to them with one of the pre-learned phrases. At checkout, if someone taps you on the shoulder and asks if they can go ahead of you because they only have 1 item, pull out a pre-learned phrase or two, and just keep repeating it at them until they leave you alone. This also works to keep well-intentioned sales clerks from making long-conversation.

Well, I hope these little tips will help your holiday go a little better. Although, I'm thinking I shouldn't have posted all of them, because now my family will know what I am up to when I pretend to be napping. Hmm...should have rethought that one.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's countdown list...6 Obscure Christmas Carol Lyrics.

8 Most Unusual Holiday Gifts

When I originally envisioned this post, I was simply going to pull items from the Sharper Image catalog or the As-Seen-on-TV aisle, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had very good examples from my own family. So, here goes...

8. 40 Pound Box of Laundry Detergent - Yes, my mother is a hard person to buy for. She tends to be very practical. One year, my dad took the practicality too far. He got her a 40 pound box of laundry detergent for Christmas. He claims that he got her something nice to go with it, but NOBODY remembers that. She wasn't too pleased, and therefore got him an air filter for his car for his birthday.

7. Smelly Hammers - My grandfather gave all of his grandkids a hammer one year, and these were REALLY nice hammers. However, the rubber handle smelled awful. What most of us did not realize was that the smell would go away with use. Instead, we bathed with and washed our hammers in scented bath soap in the hopes that the smell would dissipate.

6. A Baton - Yes, I am from East Texas, and so yes, one year I desperately wanted and received a baton for Christmas (yes, a twirler's baton--East Texas is the land of feature twirlers). By the time I outgrew that baton, I had managed to give myself multiple black eyes with it and bruises on my arms and legs.

5. Hilary Clinton for President Tshirt - My dad received this tshirt from his brother one year. If I remember correctly, my dad wore it for the day and then cut it up for cleaning rags. (Can you tell how he feels about Hilary for President?)

4. Fingernail clippers - Every year (well, now it is every other year), my grandparents would put fingernail clippers in our stockings. Apparently, it is important to have 1 or 2 or 17 pairs on hand. There was finally such an overabundance of clippers in all of our houses, that we asked them to go to every other year. I've managed to lose all my pairs right now, so I am hoping this is a "clipper year".

3. Tires - A couple of years ago, Santa gave me a set of 4 tires for Christmas. It's not the most normal gift, but it was definitely the most appreciated one.

2. Those Awful Chocolate Oranges - On one side of the family (not the nail clipper side), we get those awful chocolate oranges in our stockings each year. And each year I am surprised that they are still being made, because I am sure no one in the country actually likes the taste of those things.

1. Dollar Store Items - The year that my mother REALLY discovered the world of the dollar stores (Dollar Tree, Dollar General, etc.), she did most of her Christmas shopping at those stores. To be fair, those who shop at these establishments know that at Dollar Tree, everything is $1. However, at Dollar General, everything is just cheap, and most of the items cost more than $1. I remember being amazed at the Dollar General skillet I received.

Well, Happy Friday, and I hope you are enjoying the countdown. Tomorrow's countdown list will be 7 Ways to Survive the Holidays.

9 Holiday Outfits that Should Never Be Worn

Now before I begin this post, I need to offer a preface. First, I am sick today, so if parts of the post sound mild to moderately unintelligible, it is probably due to the copious amounts of Nyquil in my system. Secondly, to all of my friends who might subscribe to these fashion trends, I am sorry.

9. Holiday Sweaters - I am not talking about the beautiful red sweater you might wear around Christmastime. No, I am talking about the sweaters that have pictures woven into the garment or that have bells or snowmen's noses dangling from the garments. The only time a Holiday sweater should be worn is if you are under the age of 10 (yes, kids can pull off the cuteness of this look) or if you are going to a Tacky Sweater Party.

8. Reindeer Headbands - This is another holiday fashion trend that ONLY works on kids. If you are well past childhood, then a reindeer headband should stay far away from your head.

7. Clothing that Plays Music - Now I know that this could almost fall into the category of Holiday Sweater, but I think the electronic aspect of it really sends it into a whole other arena. There are two types of Music Clothing. The first is the motion activated clothing, and that is the closest to being acceptable. The other type is the pressure activated clothing. Maybe it is my need to maintain my dance space, but anything that requires you laying your hand upon some random person to encourage the Christmas spirit just seems a little off. My favorite was one I saw a few years ago. It was a knit shirt with 3 angels on it, and you had to activate all 3 angels. The positioning of those angels was so unfortunate.

6. Christmas Plaid (Either Skirt or Tie) - Again, this is a trend that looks absolutely darling on kids, but just a little strange on adults.

5. The Suggestive Santa Shirt - You know what I'm talking about (I am not going to explain it), but there are holiday t-shirts that have taken our jolly holiday symbol and just made it wrong.

4. Elf Shoes - Unless you are going to a costume party or a sci-fi convention, then elf shoes should not be in your repertoire. (And those of you who dress up for sci-fi conventions, please come talk to me. There are other issues you probably need to be working on.)

3. Holiday Pajamas OUTSIDE of the House - I am all for a good pair of Christmas pj's. I even have a couple of pairs myself, but those articles of clothing are meant for the privacy of your own home.

2. Holiday Undergarments OUTSIDE of the House - I realize that this one really should go without saying, but after seeing someone parade around in their holidays boxers through the mall, apparently it DOES need to be said. Underwear falls into the same category as pj's. They are meant for the privacy of your own home.

1. The "Christmas Explosion" Outfit - More than 2 holiday items on at one time, really is pushing it. A beautiful green sweater and christmas broach look festive together, but if you add the plaid headband or wooden Christmas necklace, then you have just sent things over the top. Your goal should not be to wear every Christmas thing you own all at once. Less truly is more.

Well, I hope I have not offended anyone with my holiday fashion commentary, because it truly is just my opinion. However, if I see the man walking around in his boxers again in the mall, I may just have to confront him as to why his UNDERwear has become his ALL-TO-SEE-wear.

Tomorrow's List: The 8 Most Unusual Holiday Gifts.

10 Reasons to Get Your Shopping Done Before December

As my twelve days of Christmas countdown continues (although, as one of my friends pointed out, the 12 days of Christmas actually start on December 25 and go into January; I was just hoping nobody would know that), here is list #10.

10 Reasons to Get Your Shopping Done Before December

10. Obvious Reason--You save time by getting the shopping done early.

9. Crowded Stores--In December, the stores are uber-crowded with patrons, and the aisles become like the bumper car ride at an amusement park. Invariably, there is some pushing and kicking (I have only kicked someone ONCE, and I had a really good reason), but it ends up feeling more like a cattle-call than a shopping experience.

8. No Selection--Face it, people, once Black Friday has come and gone, the selection of gift items greatly diminishes. In December, the stores pull out all their extra sets of nose-hair trimmers and Sham-Wows that nobody wanted to buy and tries to pawn them off on desperate shoppers who waited until the last minute to purchase a gift for their loved one.

7. Set the Trend--If you do your shopping early, you can set the trend of "What's Hot" for that year. That way, when your child shows up to school wearing a Hannah Oregon backpack from Dollar Tree, the rest of her classmates will be sporting the same look because you spread the word about the must-have items.

6. Crowded Stores #2--No, this is not a repeat of List Item #9, this is in reference to the sales people. In December, stores hire on extra sales staff who are desperately hoping to make some extra money for the holiday season. Take for example the cosmetics area at a widely known department store. As I walked through there on Saturday, there was a line of about 14 perfume sprayers each trying to get me to buy their scent by dousing me with a spritz. When I finally made it to the end of the aisle (and stopped coughing as if I had a communicable disease) I realized that I smelled like something that should be placed in a biohazard bin. I had to go straight home and wash myself with bleach to remove the smells.

5. No Parking Spots--Once the stores get crowded, the parking lots do too, and then we all turn into parking lot stalkers. You know what I'm talking about. You see someone exit a store, and you get right behind them in your car as they walk across the parking lot. You are going all of 3 mph, and they keep looking over their shoulder at you because while they understand what you are doing, they are still a little worried that the holiday madness in you might snap at any moment. Then, if they happen to cross over a couple of aisles (thus leaving your chase fruitless) then you find yourself saying all of those words that you know you shouldn't.

4. No Salvation Army Bell Ringers--Okay, admit it. You know that sometimes you pick up your pace and refuse to make eye contact with the Red Bell Ringers, and you placate yourself by making up some sort of excuse that you give to the needy through church. And then the guilt plagues you. The Red Bell Ringers don't come out until the holiday season. So, by doing your shopping early, you alleviate a fair amount of guilt. (Preemptive add-on--before anyone gets onto me about how blessed I am and how I should be helping others, please note the sarcasm and humor with which this entire post and this specific item in particular are written. I feel I have to say that because my sense of humor doesn't always translate well.)

3. Guide Your Child's Santa List--By already purchasing their Christmas morning gifts, you can use the preceeding months to encourage them towards those specific items. For example, sit in your child's room each evening as they are asleep and quietly whisper, "You want new underwear and a bookbag from Santa," over and over. The osmosis of it will show up when they sit in Santa's lap and proclaim their undying desire for undergarments and school supplies.

2. Materialism--If your Christmas shopping has already been completed by the time the season rolls around, then you can pretend that you like to use the holiday season to remind your family about the spiritual aspect of the season and about what is truly important rather than succumbing to the materialistic nature of retail industry.

1. Wassailing--Finishing your shopping prior to December allows you plenty of time to go wassailing. (I'm not actually sure what wassailing is, but the song "Here we go a wassailing..." always sounds so cheerful, so I am sure it is fun.)

Hope your day is wonderful, and stay tuned for tomorrows Countdown list of 9 Holiday Outfits that Should Never Be Worn.

I Love Me Some Christmastime

I love me some Christmastime. I always have. I enjoy getting to be with family, and I just enjoy the holiday. In honor of the season, I am going to do a "Countdown to Christmas".

Now, I have to be honest, I originally intended to do a twelve day countdown list (a la "Twelve Days of Christmas"), but I seemed to have done my math wrong, and if I were to start a twelve day countdown today, then it would end the day AFTER Christmas.

So, we are just going to pretend that I did #12, and I will start with #11.

Here, then, are my Eleven Favorite Christmas Memories.

11. The year of the Star Wars money banks. All the boys got one, and I did not. I was H.E.A.R.T.B.R.O.K.E.N. They called me for weeks after Christmas and their money banks (which played an appropriate Star Wars tune) left messages on my answering machine.

10. The year of the Whitman's Sampler. The short version of the story is that this is the year that one of the family members decided the best way to open Christmas gifts was one at a time--which is painfully awful when there are 21 people sitting in the room. So, while the adults were taking their turns each opening a gift, the grandkids ate 2 WHOLE boxes of Whitman's Samplers. That much chocolate on an empty stomach makes for an interesting day.

9. The singing of the Twelve Days of Christmas. On my mother's side, we sing Christmas carols on Christmas Eve. One of the songs we sing is of course the Twelve Days of Christmas. Aunt Patsy is always "five golden rings" and Aunt Ruth is always "a patridge in a pear tree". Here's the thing, after many decades of doing this, Aunt Ruth still can't remember her line of "...and a partridge in a pear tree," and must be cued each time.

8. Sleeping on an "air mattress". For the longest time, I was the only girl cousin on my dad's side. So, when figuring out sleeping arrangements, the boys always slept in one room together and I was made to sleep on the floor wherever there was an open space in the house (generally the kitchen). One year, though, someone bought an air mattress for me to sleep on. I was incredibly excited until I figured out it was one of those really thin swimming pool floaty mattresses. It still felt like I was sleeping on the floor.

7. The year of the grapefruits. One Christmas, one of my uncles got everyone boxes of grapefruit (which is NOT a much-loved fruit in our family). So, the grandkids spent the afternoon sneaking grapefruit out of the house and using it for target practice with my grandfather's rifle.

6. The poinsettia lights. one year, my grandparents proudly purchased new lights for their Christmas tree. They were the most awful looking poinsettia's on a string. I am still kicking myself that I didn't take those when my grandmother was getting rid of them because I do love all things ugly.

5. The ice on the overpass. Coming home from Lubbock one Christmas, I was given the privilege of driving. However, I had only had my license for less than a year. As we drove over the overpass in Post, I pointed out to my mother the overturned jeep on the other side of the road. It was at that moment that we hit a patch of ice. Once we started sliding, I chose to completely let go of the wheel, whereas my mother dived across the seat so that maybe someone would steer the car to safety. We managed to spin around and careen enough to hit all FOUR corners of the car before we slid to a stop off the road. My dad tied the bumpers (yes, plural) back on with some sort of wire, and we continued the 9 hour drive back home.

4. Mexican food. Okay, this isn't as much a story as it is a tradition. On my dad's side of the family, we eat homemade Mexican food for our Christmas meal. Yummy!

3. Mother's side of the family. On my mother's side of the family, we do our big thing on Christmas Eve with the WHOLE family--2nd, 3rd, and 4th cousins (yes, it is a regular hootenanny). Then on Christmas Day, we go to my mother's sister's house.

2. Family. I love the fact that even after all these years, both sides of the family have worked to get together for the holidays. Every other year (on both sides), we have everyone there. It's a tremendous amount of fun and VERY VERY loud.

1. Skipbo and 42. On my dad's side, we like to play games. The main two games we play are Skipbo and 42. Now, my dad's side has an interesting take on how to teach kids games. They don't do the whole "let's let the children be successful and learn the game". Oh no...they trash talk to the kids, and you know it has been a successful game if at least one player has been made to cry. With Skipbo, we all play together, but with 42, there are levels. You must first prove yourself at the "B" table before you are allowed to step within the inner-sanctum of the "A" table. And if you are seated at the "A" table, you must be ready for blood because there is a good chance your partner will throw something at you if you mess up a play. (Yes, we are a loving and caring family.)

Well, I hope you enjoyed my "11" list. Check back tomorrow for my "10 Reasons to Get All of Your Shopping Done in November."

Laminator - 17, Me - 0

Yes, people, the laminator has won AGAIN. It really shouldn't be that difficult. Do you understand the seriousness of my strife? I have multiple degrees, and I still cannot for the life of me figure out how to change the film in a laminating machine.

Everytime I think I have finally figured it out, the laminator scoffs in my face.

Last night was attempt #17. I had been working on it for a good 45 minutes (with absolutely NO SUCCESS), when a kind lady came into the workroom. She saw that I was either about to cry buckets of tears or fling the laminator down a long flight of stairs, and so she intervened.

I handed her the instruction booklet (which, yes, I had been using) and all the parts that were supposed to be on the machine but I hadn't actually figured out where to put them after taking them off, and I stepped away.

In approximately 5 minutes, she had the machine back up and running. No lie. It was that quick. When she turned to me to show me that it was now working (and that she had fixed it with great ease), my first inclination was to run screaming through the building and out into traffic. But, I restrained myself.

Instead, I think I will make her speed dial #1 in my phone because I don't think I can take another laminating machine failure.

1 Hour and 16 Minutes

1 hour and 16 minutes...

That is the amount of time the clock in my car is ahead. Half of the year, it is only ahead 16 minutes. Either way, I always know what time it is in my car.

This is important because in the last week or so, not one but TWO people tried to change the time, and it sent me into a hyperventilating tizzy, because all of a sudden, I had NO IDEA what time it was.

Usually, when someone new gets into my car, they stare at my clock and then me in disbelief. The first question that comes out of their mouth is, "Why?" The second thing that happens is that they then try to change the time so that it "conforms to standard concept of time."

Guess what happens third? Yep...hyperventilating tizzy.

So, I am here to tell all of you who are concerned by the fact that my car clock is an hour and 16 minutes ahead, that it is perfectly okay. It has been that way for about five years now (or technically 2 1/2 years because of the time change), and I am generally on time to places. Plus, when I have done something dumb, I can create my own "Back to the Future" moment by turning back my clock and reliving the moment more appropriately. See...it is a win-win situation.

Give Me a BIG Smile

For today's post, I thought I would showcase the wonderful, artistic talents of the daughter of one of my friends. As her mother and I sat at their kitchen table on Saturday afternoon, she created this portrait for me, and I told her that I wanted to post it and show it off. So, here it is.
The thing that really strikes me about this picture is just how accurately she was able to draw it.

Eyes: Notice how one eye is looking in a slightly different place than the other. She got that EXACTLY right. Because my eyes do not look in exactly the same spot, there is a complete and total ban of anyone taking pictures of me. The few that have been snapped come out with me looking either drugged or drunk.

Hair: The hair is a cute chin length bob. Unfortunately, my current chin length bob is the result of a MAJOR hair trauma on Thursday. (I would tell you the story, but I still can't talk about it without crying. The short version is that by the end of the day on Thursday, I had had not one but TWO haircuts, and lost a substantial amount of hair.)

Cheeks: My cheeks have always been very round. When I was a little girl, and the apples of my cheeks dwarfed the rest of my face. I looked a little like one of those porcelain, creepy clown heads that you find in carnival machines.

Smile: She managed to capture my "Sunday" smile (which is an explanation for another post), and my parents will be pleased to see the lovely orthodontial work that she also represented in the picture. I'm kind of wishing my teeth were still that straight. If only I hadn't thrown away my retainer with my leftover hot pretzel in the 8th grade, my teeth might still be that perfect.

All in all, I think she did a GREAT job with the picture and definitely has a future in art. Hmm...do you think the next time Olan Mills comes to take pictures for the directory that they would just let me use this instead of an actual photograph?