7 Ways to Survive the Holidays

Well, folks, I am a little later getting this post written than I intended, but I have not forgotten about it. Now that I have finished my Christmas shopping, my mind can focus solely on the task at hand which is 7 Ways to Survive the Holidays.

7. Put your earbuds in, turn on your Ipod, and refuse to make contact with the outside world until December 26. When you are asked to set the table for dinner, simply point at your ears, shake your head, and mouth, "I can't hear you." Keep doing this until the requesting person walks away.

6. Pretend you are sleeping. Go into one of the back bedrooms with your portable DVD player or a book and get under the covers. Then, when you hear someone approaching the door, assume the sleep position. If anyone asks why you are so tired, explain to them that the soup kitchen is short on volunteers, and so you have been working extra shifts.

5. Embrace the craziness around you. We've all heard the phrase, "If you can't beat them, then join them." Well, this applies to Christmas too. If you have repeatedly asked the carolers to skip your house after 8pm because it might wake the kids, and yet they continue to deck your halls, then join. Grab a good, old-fashioned bullhorn, and travel around the neighborhood with them singing the Christmas carols in as off-key a tune as possible. If the children or going to be disturbed, them disturb them wholeheartedly.

4. Take up residence at the movie theater. A lot of really good movies open up Christmas day. Head out to the theater as soon as you get up, and just rotate between movies until you've managed to avoid Christmas altogether.

3. Become the holiday photographer, and go crazy snapping pictures of anything and everything you see. Don't be afraid to be obtrusive. Get in your families' faces and give them photographic direction as if they were on the set of a shoot. Wear your camera around your neck and repeat this behavior everywhere you go. Pretty soon, your family will start avoiding you like the plague.

2. Don't cook a single thing for the holidays. Become the anti-Martha Stewart. Tell your family that in order to remain calm and peaceful that you need to keep your stress level down and your cholesterol up. Pick up breakfast each morning from Shipleys, then swing by McDonalds for lunch (but at least allow your family to order more than 1 item off the dollar menu), and for dinner, find an all you can eat buffet. Now, of course, Christmas dinner needs to be special, so pull out all of the leftovers from the fast-food eating, mix them all together, and call it Shepherd's Pie. Someone may need to go to the hospital after Christmas is over, but it won't be due to stress.

1. Pretend you don't speak English. Learn a few key phrases in a different, but obscure, language. Then when you are walking through the stores, and people start becoming impatient or rude simply respond to them with one of the pre-learned phrases. At checkout, if someone taps you on the shoulder and asks if they can go ahead of you because they only have 1 item, pull out a pre-learned phrase or two, and just keep repeating it at them until they leave you alone. This also works to keep well-intentioned sales clerks from making long-conversation.

Well, I hope these little tips will help your holiday go a little better. Although, I'm thinking I shouldn't have posted all of them, because now my family will know what I am up to when I pretend to be napping. Hmm...should have rethought that one.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's countdown list...6 Obscure Christmas Carol Lyrics.