1 Undeniable Sign That It Is Officially Christmas Day

1. Because the date on the calendar reads December 25.

Merry Christmas to you and yours on this wonderful holiday!

2 Indications That It Is Almost Christmas

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone. Christmas is almost here, and with the approach of Christmas comes a whole new brand of crazy. Everyone is scurrying around to finish last minute gift shopping and grocery shopping. The time of season that should bring about peace and joy to everyone instead encourages impatience and a penchant towards road rage. Therefore, I have resolved to find my "inner ho-ho-ho" as I survive (I mean enjoy) the last 24 hours leading up to Christmas.

With all of that being said, here is my countdown list of 2 Indications That It Is Almost Christmas.

2. The sheer volume of sweets that seem to magically appear. Seriously, I don't know if this happens at anyone else's house, but in my family, boxes, tins, trays, and platters seem to materialize out of nowhere the moment Christmas seems to be upon us. My family even had to move an extra bookshelf into the dining area to help house said sweets. We have peanut patties, peanut brittle, fudge with nuts, fudge without nuts, 7 tubs of ice cream (two flavors), cupcakes, 2 banana puddings, pies, and a few other boxes-tins-trays-platters that I didn't even have a chance to open up. Christmas is definitely at our doorstep.

1. There is a line for the bathroom (and no, I am not venturing into the world of gastrointestinal issues...ick, gross). What the line indicates is that the house is full of people. I am currently out at my grandparents farm, and with everyone there, we have 30 people. And that means 30 people for 2 bathrooms. I think that ratio would have the OCIA people concerned. But it is almost Christmas, and the Christmas spirit means that it is okay to wait an uncomfortable length of time for your turn in the restroom.

Well, tomorrow brings the conclusion of my countdown list. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate and tomorrow's #1 list can go out with a bang (complete with PICTURES).

3 Reasons Not to Go to Walmart on December 22

First off, I want to give a BIG thank you to my friend Roxanne for taking on the duties of the #4 Countdown List. Even though I harassed her (in the comment section of the post) about not being able to count to four and using colored fonts and using different font sizes, her post really was great, and it was so nice to just turn "the pressure of the lists" over to someone else for a day. However, now I am going to step up the quality of my posts, because she set a much higher standard than what I typically strive for or am able to achieve.

My family has a bit more traveling to do today, and so I set my alarm in preparation of completing the #3 list before we were "on the road again" (yes, I am apparently feeling the need to channel my own innner Willie Nelson, and yes, I am currently wearing a red bandana to complete that channeling).

The inspiration for this countdown post comes from the trip I took last night to Walmart. (You are welcome to openly mock me in all of my stupidity now. If I weren't so traumatized by the trip, even I would be openly mocking myself.) Anyway, as I said, I made a trip last night to Walmart to pick up a few remaining items. I guess I should also admit that I went to Walmart really late the night before too, so there has been double trauma.

However, it is time to get on to the list. Here are 3 Reasons Not to Go to Walmart on December 22.

3. I think I saw all of the people who regularly make the "People of Walmart" website all in one trip. I saw all sorts of body parts that really left a scar seared into the back of my corneas (or retinas, or whatever part of the eye helps you see). To make matters worse, most of these folks chose to exhibit their holiday spirit by incorporating Christmas colors in their "interesting" choice of clothes. I mean we all know that nothing says "Happy Holidays" like a green and red bikini top in the middle of December on a person of a rather large nature. Oh, and did I mention that the words "Merry Christmas" were on her clothing item. Take a moment to think, and you will figure out where the "Merry" and the "Christmas" were. Truly, I can just feel my Christmas Spirit diminishing.

2. If you are needing to get a last minute gift, then there is a good chance that all you will end up with is a holiday pack of Nightswept (anybody catch the reference there?) and a dented tin of flavored popcorn. So, for my family members receiving those gifts, please remember that it is the thought that counts.

1. As "unusual" as a shopping experience can be at Walmart on a regular day, that oddity quotient jumps exponentially the closer to Christmas you get. Some of the things I saw last while completing my shopping--a family playing the game Twister in the middle of the toy section; a shopping cart with 6 kids in it being pushed by "bikini lady" from point #3 above; a man loudly singing "Material Girl" (really, Madonna transcends gender and age and senility); and the entire Village People group (okay, it probably wasn't really the Village People, but they were in costume).

With all of that being said, I have finally COMPLETED my Christmas shopping--WOOHOO! Now, I am not sure what tomorrow's post will be, but I have 6 hours in a car today to figure it out, so hopefully it will come to me.

(Tardy) Guest Blogger: My Four Favorite Animated Classics of Christmas (+2)

Hello, all. This is Roxanne. . .Jennifer's friend. She is headed north and west in the Grand and Glorious Empire, so she has asked me to be guest blogger today. I am VERY late with the post because I don't know if I can do her other lists justice, but I'm gonna try.

Therefore, I give you: The Four Animated Classics of Christmas (+2)

There may be more than 4 (+2) animated/claymation Christmas movies that could be named here, but these are the ones that harken back to my childhood and the huge Magnavox cabinet t.v. that got all of 2 channels (ABC and CBS). Either myself or one of my siblings served as the remote control. There were no VCR's, and 8 track tape players were still all the rage--though we didn't have one. We had one set and were at the whim of whatever "cops 'n robbers" show Daddy wanted to watch, but on Christmas special night, the t.v. was ours. Momma was normally in the kitchen making Martha Washingtons, or Millionaires, or Chex Mix, and we were on the couch in animated Christmas bliss.

So, these are The Classics according to me.

1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Who doesn't love this one? Poor little "Baby Claus" being given to Burgermeister Meisterburger--the most heinous of the claymation villians



Then, breaking away and being lost in the snow. Along come the wonderful Kringles with all of their rhyming names to the rescue.

"Well, wiggle my ears and tickle my toes. I think I see a baby's nose."

"It's more than a nose. There's a whole baby attached to it!"

"A baby what?"

"A baby Baby!!!!"

There's Topper the Penguin lost at the wrong pole, and the Winter Warlock who has always wanted a choo-choo, and lovely Jessica and the woodland wedding in the snow. Plus an all time classic Christmas song and some Fred Astaire and Mickey Rooney thrown in for good measure.

2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer



Gene Autry had no idea the wonderful hero he would unleash on the world by recording "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." It's as much a part of Christmas as Santa. . .as are the varying versions with added lyrics. I love Burle Ives as the narrator. I love Rudolph's stuffy little voice when his dad puts mud on his nose to hide the glow. I love Mrs. Claus fussing at "Papa" because he's too skinny. I love Hermey and his obsession with dentistry. I love Clarice and her tenderness towards Rudolph.



And most of all I love Yukon Cornelius, his big booming voice, and his willingness to help tame the Bumble.

3. Frosty the Snowman

"Happy Birthday!" Classic. That and the little sproingy, bouncy noises made by the bunny as he escapes the evil magician. I remember as a child disolving into tears right along with Karen when we first see Frosty in his puddle state.

And who really ever gets all the words to the song right? Is it "jolly, happy soul" or "happy, jolly soul" or. . .everyone just seems to fall into a sustained hum at some point.

4. A Charlie Brown Christmas

There are no words I can say that will adequately do justice to your own memories of this classic. So, I let the images speak for themselves while the soundtrack runs through your mind.









Lest I get black-balled from being guest blogger again (and since there are more than four classic animated/claymation movies), allow me to add two more.

+1 How the Grinch Stole Christmas



Obviously, Christmas gold. "You're a mean one Mr. Grinch. . ."





Seriously. Does ANY animated character get as cute and as vulnerable as this one?




Narrator: As the Grinch took the tree, as he started to shove, he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast and he saw a small Who. Little Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two. She stared at the Grinch and said...

Cindy Lou Who: Santie Claus, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?



And this poor, poor doggie. I just want to pat him on the head and give him a nice, warm blanket.

+2 Emmet Otters Jugband Christmas


I didn't see this until I was in Jr. High, but if you've not seen this little video, let me encourage you to do so. The songs, the story, the entire thing is great--especially when there ain't no hole in the washtub.

5 Foods That Should Be a Staple of Christmas

Yes, I realize that I did not post a preview for today's countodwn list at the end of yesterday's post, but that is because I had NO IDEA what I was going to write today. You see, I am from deep east Texas. Intelligence isn't naturally a part of who I am (it is due to all the inbreeding). So, doing this many posts in this short of a time period has taxed my brain substantially.

Anyway, yesterday I was standing in the youth minister's office after we had just come out of a long meeting, and I received some suggestions on the list for today. My first plan was for it to be 5 Words You Can Spell with the Letters in SANTA.

5. As
4. An
3. At
2. Sat
1. Satan

However, I thought I might receive a good bit of flack for associating the jolly bringer of Christmas goodies with the devil--even if it was meant in a truly humor-filled way.

The other suggestion I received was about food. So, without further adieu, here are 5 Foods That Should Be a Staple of Christmas.

5. Homemade Candy - Every family has different types of homemade candy they love at the holidays. My family prefers to eat fudge, Martha Washigton's (which I really don't understand while they are called that), and peanut brittle. My dentist prefers us to stick mainly with the peanut brittle because what better way to say, "Merry Christmas, and here is a boat payment for you," than by eating lots of hard, crunchy, and uber-sticky candy that is sure to form multiple cavities the moment it even goes near your mouth.

4. Store Bought Candy - You know you love a good Whitman's Sampler or a nice big Toblerone. Yes, this candy falls into the same dental category as the stuff above, but it also has an added bonus of being neatly packaged so that you can sit a box (or tube) in your lap and just eat away. All of the gyms love the store bought candy. In fact, they are in cahoots with Mr. Whitman and Mr. Toblerone to insure that after the holidays you will feel sufficiently larger thereby requiring a new gym membership as part of your "New Year's Resolution".

3. Rolls - It doesn't matter if your rolls are homemade or store bought. It is simply important to have them in a bread basket at each meal. Besides being an easy-to-eat food item for the little ones, if your Aunt Colleen starts getting mouthy with you at the dinner table, you can simply pick up a roll and throw it at her.

2. Mashed Potatoes - This food item should actually be a staple at ALL major holidays--Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Bastille Day. It is just good food. What makes mashed potatoes such a necessity is that Christmas is about family. It is about young and old coming together to celebrate the birth of Christ (nobody is allowed to point out that he was not actually born at this time of the year) and the spirit of togetherness and love. However, with such a wide age-range of people coming together, it is important to have food that everyone can eat, and mashed potatoes fits that requirement. It is soft enough for both babies and old people to gum down. Plus, you can make it as bland as you need to for those suffering from intestinal issues. Then, if throwing the rolls at Aunt Colleen doesn't work, mashed potatoes and a spoon make an excellent catapult. It is a win-win food all the way around.

1. Fruitcake - I have to admit that I have NEVER understood the appeal of fruitcake, but it seems to be available in copious amounts every holiday season. When did our dessert selection get so bad that someone thought a densely packed lump of cake stuffed with dried, candied fruits might be the best option. And the longer it sits there, the heavier it gets (really, have you picked up a block of fruitcake at the beginning of the holidays and then again at the end). I'm not sure how that happens, but I think it falls under the category of Christmas miracle. This year, I urge everyone to start replacing their fruitcakes with other, more-appetizing desserts. Or, at least cut it in to smaller pieces so that when you must pretend to enjoy some, you can wrap it into your napkin without too much notice.

Merry Christmas Week, and Happy Monday. Tomorrow's countdown list will be the 4 Joys of Christmas Ribbon.

6 Obscure Christmas Carol Lyrics

Who doesn't love a good Christmas Carol? This is the only season of the year with hundreds of songs dedicated specifically it to. And each year that we are together, my grandmother distributes typed and risographed lyric sheets that she made 25 years ago of Christmas carols for us to sing as a family (this is the hootenanny side of my family).

What I have noticed over the years, though, is that because of this tradition, I seem to know way more Christmas Carols than the average person, and I even seem to know all the verses that go along with these carols. Therefore, that was the inspiration for this countdown list--6 Obscure Christmas Carol Lyrics.

Now, unlike the other posts, this one is a quiz. I am curious as to how many of you can figure out what carol each of these come from. And please no googling...I know that trick. I have done it before. Also, I think you will notice "why" these verses or lyrics aren't typically sung in general society anymore.

SONGS:
6. Come Desire of Nations come,
Fix in us thy humble home.
Rise, the woman's conquering Seed,
Bruise in us the serpent's head.
Adam's likeness now efface
Stamp thine image in its place

5. Hither, page, and stand by me.
If thou know it telling:
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?
Sire, he lives a good league
Hence,underneath the mountain,
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes fountain.

4. A day or two ago,
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright,
was seated by my side;
The horse was lean and lank,
misfortune seemed his lot;
He got into a drifted bank
and we got upsot.

3. Johnny wants a pair of skates;
Susy wants a dolly;
Nellie wants a story book;
She thinks dolls are folly;
As for me, my little brain
Isn't very bright;
Choose for me, old Santa Claus,
What you think is right.

2. Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.

1. Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.


ANSWERS:
6. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
5. Good King Wenceslas
4. Jingle Bells
3. Jolly Old St. Nicholas
2. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

7 Ways to Survive the Holidays

Well, folks, I am a little later getting this post written than I intended, but I have not forgotten about it. Now that I have finished my Christmas shopping, my mind can focus solely on the task at hand which is 7 Ways to Survive the Holidays.

7. Put your earbuds in, turn on your Ipod, and refuse to make contact with the outside world until December 26. When you are asked to set the table for dinner, simply point at your ears, shake your head, and mouth, "I can't hear you." Keep doing this until the requesting person walks away.

6. Pretend you are sleeping. Go into one of the back bedrooms with your portable DVD player or a book and get under the covers. Then, when you hear someone approaching the door, assume the sleep position. If anyone asks why you are so tired, explain to them that the soup kitchen is short on volunteers, and so you have been working extra shifts.

5. Embrace the craziness around you. We've all heard the phrase, "If you can't beat them, then join them." Well, this applies to Christmas too. If you have repeatedly asked the carolers to skip your house after 8pm because it might wake the kids, and yet they continue to deck your halls, then join. Grab a good, old-fashioned bullhorn, and travel around the neighborhood with them singing the Christmas carols in as off-key a tune as possible. If the children or going to be disturbed, them disturb them wholeheartedly.

4. Take up residence at the movie theater. A lot of really good movies open up Christmas day. Head out to the theater as soon as you get up, and just rotate between movies until you've managed to avoid Christmas altogether.

3. Become the holiday photographer, and go crazy snapping pictures of anything and everything you see. Don't be afraid to be obtrusive. Get in your families' faces and give them photographic direction as if they were on the set of a shoot. Wear your camera around your neck and repeat this behavior everywhere you go. Pretty soon, your family will start avoiding you like the plague.

2. Don't cook a single thing for the holidays. Become the anti-Martha Stewart. Tell your family that in order to remain calm and peaceful that you need to keep your stress level down and your cholesterol up. Pick up breakfast each morning from Shipleys, then swing by McDonalds for lunch (but at least allow your family to order more than 1 item off the dollar menu), and for dinner, find an all you can eat buffet. Now, of course, Christmas dinner needs to be special, so pull out all of the leftovers from the fast-food eating, mix them all together, and call it Shepherd's Pie. Someone may need to go to the hospital after Christmas is over, but it won't be due to stress.

1. Pretend you don't speak English. Learn a few key phrases in a different, but obscure, language. Then when you are walking through the stores, and people start becoming impatient or rude simply respond to them with one of the pre-learned phrases. At checkout, if someone taps you on the shoulder and asks if they can go ahead of you because they only have 1 item, pull out a pre-learned phrase or two, and just keep repeating it at them until they leave you alone. This also works to keep well-intentioned sales clerks from making long-conversation.

Well, I hope these little tips will help your holiday go a little better. Although, I'm thinking I shouldn't have posted all of them, because now my family will know what I am up to when I pretend to be napping. Hmm...should have rethought that one.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's countdown list...6 Obscure Christmas Carol Lyrics.

8 Most Unusual Holiday Gifts

When I originally envisioned this post, I was simply going to pull items from the Sharper Image catalog or the As-Seen-on-TV aisle, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had very good examples from my own family. So, here goes...

8. 40 Pound Box of Laundry Detergent - Yes, my mother is a hard person to buy for. She tends to be very practical. One year, my dad took the practicality too far. He got her a 40 pound box of laundry detergent for Christmas. He claims that he got her something nice to go with it, but NOBODY remembers that. She wasn't too pleased, and therefore got him an air filter for his car for his birthday.

7. Smelly Hammers - My grandfather gave all of his grandkids a hammer one year, and these were REALLY nice hammers. However, the rubber handle smelled awful. What most of us did not realize was that the smell would go away with use. Instead, we bathed with and washed our hammers in scented bath soap in the hopes that the smell would dissipate.

6. A Baton - Yes, I am from East Texas, and so yes, one year I desperately wanted and received a baton for Christmas (yes, a twirler's baton--East Texas is the land of feature twirlers). By the time I outgrew that baton, I had managed to give myself multiple black eyes with it and bruises on my arms and legs.

5. Hilary Clinton for President Tshirt - My dad received this tshirt from his brother one year. If I remember correctly, my dad wore it for the day and then cut it up for cleaning rags. (Can you tell how he feels about Hilary for President?)

4. Fingernail clippers - Every year (well, now it is every other year), my grandparents would put fingernail clippers in our stockings. Apparently, it is important to have 1 or 2 or 17 pairs on hand. There was finally such an overabundance of clippers in all of our houses, that we asked them to go to every other year. I've managed to lose all my pairs right now, so I am hoping this is a "clipper year".

3. Tires - A couple of years ago, Santa gave me a set of 4 tires for Christmas. It's not the most normal gift, but it was definitely the most appreciated one.

2. Those Awful Chocolate Oranges - On one side of the family (not the nail clipper side), we get those awful chocolate oranges in our stockings each year. And each year I am surprised that they are still being made, because I am sure no one in the country actually likes the taste of those things.

1. Dollar Store Items - The year that my mother REALLY discovered the world of the dollar stores (Dollar Tree, Dollar General, etc.), she did most of her Christmas shopping at those stores. To be fair, those who shop at these establishments know that at Dollar Tree, everything is $1. However, at Dollar General, everything is just cheap, and most of the items cost more than $1. I remember being amazed at the Dollar General skillet I received.

Well, Happy Friday, and I hope you are enjoying the countdown. Tomorrow's countdown list will be 7 Ways to Survive the Holidays.

9 Holiday Outfits that Should Never Be Worn

Now before I begin this post, I need to offer a preface. First, I am sick today, so if parts of the post sound mild to moderately unintelligible, it is probably due to the copious amounts of Nyquil in my system. Secondly, to all of my friends who might subscribe to these fashion trends, I am sorry.

9. Holiday Sweaters - I am not talking about the beautiful red sweater you might wear around Christmastime. No, I am talking about the sweaters that have pictures woven into the garment or that have bells or snowmen's noses dangling from the garments. The only time a Holiday sweater should be worn is if you are under the age of 10 (yes, kids can pull off the cuteness of this look) or if you are going to a Tacky Sweater Party.

8. Reindeer Headbands - This is another holiday fashion trend that ONLY works on kids. If you are well past childhood, then a reindeer headband should stay far away from your head.

7. Clothing that Plays Music - Now I know that this could almost fall into the category of Holiday Sweater, but I think the electronic aspect of it really sends it into a whole other arena. There are two types of Music Clothing. The first is the motion activated clothing, and that is the closest to being acceptable. The other type is the pressure activated clothing. Maybe it is my need to maintain my dance space, but anything that requires you laying your hand upon some random person to encourage the Christmas spirit just seems a little off. My favorite was one I saw a few years ago. It was a knit shirt with 3 angels on it, and you had to activate all 3 angels. The positioning of those angels was so unfortunate.

6. Christmas Plaid (Either Skirt or Tie) - Again, this is a trend that looks absolutely darling on kids, but just a little strange on adults.

5. The Suggestive Santa Shirt - You know what I'm talking about (I am not going to explain it), but there are holiday t-shirts that have taken our jolly holiday symbol and just made it wrong.

4. Elf Shoes - Unless you are going to a costume party or a sci-fi convention, then elf shoes should not be in your repertoire. (And those of you who dress up for sci-fi conventions, please come talk to me. There are other issues you probably need to be working on.)

3. Holiday Pajamas OUTSIDE of the House - I am all for a good pair of Christmas pj's. I even have a couple of pairs myself, but those articles of clothing are meant for the privacy of your own home.

2. Holiday Undergarments OUTSIDE of the House - I realize that this one really should go without saying, but after seeing someone parade around in their holidays boxers through the mall, apparently it DOES need to be said. Underwear falls into the same category as pj's. They are meant for the privacy of your own home.

1. The "Christmas Explosion" Outfit - More than 2 holiday items on at one time, really is pushing it. A beautiful green sweater and christmas broach look festive together, but if you add the plaid headband or wooden Christmas necklace, then you have just sent things over the top. Your goal should not be to wear every Christmas thing you own all at once. Less truly is more.

Well, I hope I have not offended anyone with my holiday fashion commentary, because it truly is just my opinion. However, if I see the man walking around in his boxers again in the mall, I may just have to confront him as to why his UNDERwear has become his ALL-TO-SEE-wear.

Tomorrow's List: The 8 Most Unusual Holiday Gifts.

10 Reasons to Get Your Shopping Done Before December

As my twelve days of Christmas countdown continues (although, as one of my friends pointed out, the 12 days of Christmas actually start on December 25 and go into January; I was just hoping nobody would know that), here is list #10.

10 Reasons to Get Your Shopping Done Before December

10. Obvious Reason--You save time by getting the shopping done early.

9. Crowded Stores--In December, the stores are uber-crowded with patrons, and the aisles become like the bumper car ride at an amusement park. Invariably, there is some pushing and kicking (I have only kicked someone ONCE, and I had a really good reason), but it ends up feeling more like a cattle-call than a shopping experience.

8. No Selection--Face it, people, once Black Friday has come and gone, the selection of gift items greatly diminishes. In December, the stores pull out all their extra sets of nose-hair trimmers and Sham-Wows that nobody wanted to buy and tries to pawn them off on desperate shoppers who waited until the last minute to purchase a gift for their loved one.

7. Set the Trend--If you do your shopping early, you can set the trend of "What's Hot" for that year. That way, when your child shows up to school wearing a Hannah Oregon backpack from Dollar Tree, the rest of her classmates will be sporting the same look because you spread the word about the must-have items.

6. Crowded Stores #2--No, this is not a repeat of List Item #9, this is in reference to the sales people. In December, stores hire on extra sales staff who are desperately hoping to make some extra money for the holiday season. Take for example the cosmetics area at a widely known department store. As I walked through there on Saturday, there was a line of about 14 perfume sprayers each trying to get me to buy their scent by dousing me with a spritz. When I finally made it to the end of the aisle (and stopped coughing as if I had a communicable disease) I realized that I smelled like something that should be placed in a biohazard bin. I had to go straight home and wash myself with bleach to remove the smells.

5. No Parking Spots--Once the stores get crowded, the parking lots do too, and then we all turn into parking lot stalkers. You know what I'm talking about. You see someone exit a store, and you get right behind them in your car as they walk across the parking lot. You are going all of 3 mph, and they keep looking over their shoulder at you because while they understand what you are doing, they are still a little worried that the holiday madness in you might snap at any moment. Then, if they happen to cross over a couple of aisles (thus leaving your chase fruitless) then you find yourself saying all of those words that you know you shouldn't.

4. No Salvation Army Bell Ringers--Okay, admit it. You know that sometimes you pick up your pace and refuse to make eye contact with the Red Bell Ringers, and you placate yourself by making up some sort of excuse that you give to the needy through church. And then the guilt plagues you. The Red Bell Ringers don't come out until the holiday season. So, by doing your shopping early, you alleviate a fair amount of guilt. (Preemptive add-on--before anyone gets onto me about how blessed I am and how I should be helping others, please note the sarcasm and humor with which this entire post and this specific item in particular are written. I feel I have to say that because my sense of humor doesn't always translate well.)

3. Guide Your Child's Santa List--By already purchasing their Christmas morning gifts, you can use the preceeding months to encourage them towards those specific items. For example, sit in your child's room each evening as they are asleep and quietly whisper, "You want new underwear and a bookbag from Santa," over and over. The osmosis of it will show up when they sit in Santa's lap and proclaim their undying desire for undergarments and school supplies.

2. Materialism--If your Christmas shopping has already been completed by the time the season rolls around, then you can pretend that you like to use the holiday season to remind your family about the spiritual aspect of the season and about what is truly important rather than succumbing to the materialistic nature of retail industry.

1. Wassailing--Finishing your shopping prior to December allows you plenty of time to go wassailing. (I'm not actually sure what wassailing is, but the song "Here we go a wassailing..." always sounds so cheerful, so I am sure it is fun.)

Hope your day is wonderful, and stay tuned for tomorrows Countdown list of 9 Holiday Outfits that Should Never Be Worn.

I Love Me Some Christmastime

I love me some Christmastime. I always have. I enjoy getting to be with family, and I just enjoy the holiday. In honor of the season, I am going to do a "Countdown to Christmas".

Now, I have to be honest, I originally intended to do a twelve day countdown list (a la "Twelve Days of Christmas"), but I seemed to have done my math wrong, and if I were to start a twelve day countdown today, then it would end the day AFTER Christmas.

So, we are just going to pretend that I did #12, and I will start with #11.

Here, then, are my Eleven Favorite Christmas Memories.

11. The year of the Star Wars money banks. All the boys got one, and I did not. I was H.E.A.R.T.B.R.O.K.E.N. They called me for weeks after Christmas and their money banks (which played an appropriate Star Wars tune) left messages on my answering machine.

10. The year of the Whitman's Sampler. The short version of the story is that this is the year that one of the family members decided the best way to open Christmas gifts was one at a time--which is painfully awful when there are 21 people sitting in the room. So, while the adults were taking their turns each opening a gift, the grandkids ate 2 WHOLE boxes of Whitman's Samplers. That much chocolate on an empty stomach makes for an interesting day.

9. The singing of the Twelve Days of Christmas. On my mother's side, we sing Christmas carols on Christmas Eve. One of the songs we sing is of course the Twelve Days of Christmas. Aunt Patsy is always "five golden rings" and Aunt Ruth is always "a patridge in a pear tree". Here's the thing, after many decades of doing this, Aunt Ruth still can't remember her line of "...and a partridge in a pear tree," and must be cued each time.

8. Sleeping on an "air mattress". For the longest time, I was the only girl cousin on my dad's side. So, when figuring out sleeping arrangements, the boys always slept in one room together and I was made to sleep on the floor wherever there was an open space in the house (generally the kitchen). One year, though, someone bought an air mattress for me to sleep on. I was incredibly excited until I figured out it was one of those really thin swimming pool floaty mattresses. It still felt like I was sleeping on the floor.

7. The year of the grapefruits. One Christmas, one of my uncles got everyone boxes of grapefruit (which is NOT a much-loved fruit in our family). So, the grandkids spent the afternoon sneaking grapefruit out of the house and using it for target practice with my grandfather's rifle.

6. The poinsettia lights. one year, my grandparents proudly purchased new lights for their Christmas tree. They were the most awful looking poinsettia's on a string. I am still kicking myself that I didn't take those when my grandmother was getting rid of them because I do love all things ugly.

5. The ice on the overpass. Coming home from Lubbock one Christmas, I was given the privilege of driving. However, I had only had my license for less than a year. As we drove over the overpass in Post, I pointed out to my mother the overturned jeep on the other side of the road. It was at that moment that we hit a patch of ice. Once we started sliding, I chose to completely let go of the wheel, whereas my mother dived across the seat so that maybe someone would steer the car to safety. We managed to spin around and careen enough to hit all FOUR corners of the car before we slid to a stop off the road. My dad tied the bumpers (yes, plural) back on with some sort of wire, and we continued the 9 hour drive back home.

4. Mexican food. Okay, this isn't as much a story as it is a tradition. On my dad's side of the family, we eat homemade Mexican food for our Christmas meal. Yummy!

3. Mother's side of the family. On my mother's side of the family, we do our big thing on Christmas Eve with the WHOLE family--2nd, 3rd, and 4th cousins (yes, it is a regular hootenanny). Then on Christmas Day, we go to my mother's sister's house.

2. Family. I love the fact that even after all these years, both sides of the family have worked to get together for the holidays. Every other year (on both sides), we have everyone there. It's a tremendous amount of fun and VERY VERY loud.

1. Skipbo and 42. On my dad's side, we like to play games. The main two games we play are Skipbo and 42. Now, my dad's side has an interesting take on how to teach kids games. They don't do the whole "let's let the children be successful and learn the game". Oh no...they trash talk to the kids, and you know it has been a successful game if at least one player has been made to cry. With Skipbo, we all play together, but with 42, there are levels. You must first prove yourself at the "B" table before you are allowed to step within the inner-sanctum of the "A" table. And if you are seated at the "A" table, you must be ready for blood because there is a good chance your partner will throw something at you if you mess up a play. (Yes, we are a loving and caring family.)

Well, I hope you enjoyed my "11" list. Check back tomorrow for my "10 Reasons to Get All of Your Shopping Done in November."

Laminator - 17, Me - 0

Yes, people, the laminator has won AGAIN. It really shouldn't be that difficult. Do you understand the seriousness of my strife? I have multiple degrees, and I still cannot for the life of me figure out how to change the film in a laminating machine.

Everytime I think I have finally figured it out, the laminator scoffs in my face.

Last night was attempt #17. I had been working on it for a good 45 minutes (with absolutely NO SUCCESS), when a kind lady came into the workroom. She saw that I was either about to cry buckets of tears or fling the laminator down a long flight of stairs, and so she intervened.

I handed her the instruction booklet (which, yes, I had been using) and all the parts that were supposed to be on the machine but I hadn't actually figured out where to put them after taking them off, and I stepped away.

In approximately 5 minutes, she had the machine back up and running. No lie. It was that quick. When she turned to me to show me that it was now working (and that she had fixed it with great ease), my first inclination was to run screaming through the building and out into traffic. But, I restrained myself.

Instead, I think I will make her speed dial #1 in my phone because I don't think I can take another laminating machine failure.

1 Hour and 16 Minutes

1 hour and 16 minutes...

That is the amount of time the clock in my car is ahead. Half of the year, it is only ahead 16 minutes. Either way, I always know what time it is in my car.

This is important because in the last week or so, not one but TWO people tried to change the time, and it sent me into a hyperventilating tizzy, because all of a sudden, I had NO IDEA what time it was.

Usually, when someone new gets into my car, they stare at my clock and then me in disbelief. The first question that comes out of their mouth is, "Why?" The second thing that happens is that they then try to change the time so that it "conforms to standard concept of time."

Guess what happens third? Yep...hyperventilating tizzy.

So, I am here to tell all of you who are concerned by the fact that my car clock is an hour and 16 minutes ahead, that it is perfectly okay. It has been that way for about five years now (or technically 2 1/2 years because of the time change), and I am generally on time to places. Plus, when I have done something dumb, I can create my own "Back to the Future" moment by turning back my clock and reliving the moment more appropriately. See...it is a win-win situation.

Give Me a BIG Smile

For today's post, I thought I would showcase the wonderful, artistic talents of the daughter of one of my friends. As her mother and I sat at their kitchen table on Saturday afternoon, she created this portrait for me, and I told her that I wanted to post it and show it off. So, here it is.
The thing that really strikes me about this picture is just how accurately she was able to draw it.

Eyes: Notice how one eye is looking in a slightly different place than the other. She got that EXACTLY right. Because my eyes do not look in exactly the same spot, there is a complete and total ban of anyone taking pictures of me. The few that have been snapped come out with me looking either drugged or drunk.

Hair: The hair is a cute chin length bob. Unfortunately, my current chin length bob is the result of a MAJOR hair trauma on Thursday. (I would tell you the story, but I still can't talk about it without crying. The short version is that by the end of the day on Thursday, I had had not one but TWO haircuts, and lost a substantial amount of hair.)

Cheeks: My cheeks have always been very round. When I was a little girl, and the apples of my cheeks dwarfed the rest of my face. I looked a little like one of those porcelain, creepy clown heads that you find in carnival machines.

Smile: She managed to capture my "Sunday" smile (which is an explanation for another post), and my parents will be pleased to see the lovely orthodontial work that she also represented in the picture. I'm kind of wishing my teeth were still that straight. If only I hadn't thrown away my retainer with my leftover hot pretzel in the 8th grade, my teeth might still be that perfect.

All in all, I think she did a GREAT job with the picture and definitely has a future in art. Hmm...do you think the next time Olan Mills comes to take pictures for the directory that they would just let me use this instead of an actual photograph?

Hon, Honey, Babe, Sweetie Pie...

Okay, I know many of you have heard my thoughts on this already, but I think it warrants being said again.

If you do not know me well, and especially if you have never actually met me, then you are NOT NOT NOT allowed to call me Hon, Honey, Babe, Sweetie Pie, or any variation of those "terms of endearment."

They are called "terms of endearment" for a reason, and generally, they accompany some sort of personal relationship. Being the drive-thru person at the dry cleaners does not make you personally connected to me in any way, shape, or form that then makes "Hon" a permissable part of your vocabulary when talking to me.

And you know, it's even ickier when you have the whole "creepy old man" vibe going (but that is definitely a post for another day).

Just in case you are still uncertain as to my feelings on the matter, I have included a line graph with this post. The X-axis denotes specific people who might use terms of endearment, and the Y-axis indicates level of acceptability.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

(Yes, I am singing that in my best Bing Crosby voice.)

It really is the most wonderful time of the year. It's the day before Thanksgiving and only a month until Christmas. I love the fact that during this time of the year, families come together to enjoy their many blessings. I also love that during this time of the year, people can put aside their differences and show kindness to one another. (Although, someone forgot to tell a few of the patrons at the mall that fact today.)

As much as I love this season and revel in the joy of the holidays, I do have one dark little secret lurking about that I feel compelled to share with you.

Are you ready?

(Please don't judge me.)

Okay...here it goes...I do not decorate for the holidays. Yes, you read that correctly. I don't put out centerpieces. I don't hang special towels in the bathroom. And I don't hang a wreath from my door. As bad as all of that sounds, you still haven't heard the worst of it. I don't even put up a Christmas tree. (Yes, I can hear the collective gasping sound.)

I know many of you decorate multiple rooms with multiple themes during the holiday season, and I very much enjoy looking at your decorations and remarking on their beauty. I just don't haul out any of said decorations and put them up. (The one exception being my great-grandmother's angel bells.)

So this year, as you are beginning to deck your halls with lots of holiday cheer and spirit, make the Christmas candies, and put out the presents, please keep in mind that I need to locate a tree to put my Christmas presents under, and so if you have some extra space under yours, I would be willing to rent it from you. And, if your tree has a little train that goes around the base, I will pay extra.

A Snapshot Glimpse of My Life

So, earlier today, I took this picture of my office because it is very indicative of my life and my work. As most of you know, when you walk into my office, it is generally pretty messy, and while the mess stays there most of the time, I can always (well, almost always) find what I am looking forward.

Notice the Break the Ice Game. This was used at an event in September, and I still haven't managed to find a place for it.

To the left of the game, you see my computer bag and a reusable shopping bag. The shopping bag has my walking clothes in it so that I can change after work and go walking with one of my friends (I won't actually need it until Thursday, so I am apparently not doing a great job at walking regularly).

See the 3 lone, red boxes in the top center of the photo. Those are my attempt at decorating my office. Yes, that is as far as I got. Although, it is definitely further than I got with my house. All of the home decorating items are still sitting on a table waiting to be distributed.

To the right of the boxes, notice the stack of ink cartridges. Yes, I hoard those. You get $3 a cartridge in credit from Office Max. With the amount of supplies I purchase, I need every bit of credit I can get.

My book shelf is also scattered with various books and trinkets, but my favorite one is the handicapped sign because there are many days that I feel more than a bit handicapped.

Last, but not least, there is a loaf of bread in the bottom center of the photo. The husband of one of our secretaries brought me in a special loaf baked just for me this morning. Guess what I had for lunch? Yep, a peanut butter sandwich on fresh baked bread.

Can you spot Dashboard Jesus? He's next to Bobblehead Dwight.

When in Doubt, Turn Around

I am still a little bit on my "I don't know what to write" kick. So, since I can't come up with anything terribly interesting, you are going to hear about how my compassal-sense (really don't think that is a word, much less a hyphenated word) failed me miserably.

As you are all well-aware, I have a pretty bad track record with getting lost. It really doesn't matter if I go to google maps, yahoo maps, AND mapquest to print out both forward and reverse directions, I STILL somehow manage to get lost. (Those who have ridden in the car with me while I am trying to follow aforementioned directions, probably don't find it terribly hard to believe this as they have also probably seen me YELLING at the different directional pages when I don't understand the directions.)

Anyway, as I was driving home the other night, it was PITCH BLACK outside (excuse-to-make-me-feel-better-about-myself #1). It had to have been at least midnight or 1am (actually, it was 8:30pm, but with the time change, it looked much, much later). I headed out of my friend's driveway and began on my way home. About 5 miles into the drive, it dawned on me that I probably should have hit my next turn by this point. However, I just assumed that because I couldn't really see where I was going, it just seemed like I had driven farther than I actually had. In fact, I was sure I had not read my odometer correctly when I checked the mileage (excuse-to-make-me-feel-better-about-myself #2). So, I drove on a little longer.

Finally, after I passed 3 or 4 things that I truly did not recognize, I thought that maybe I had turned the wrong direction when I left my friend's house. So, I turned around and was finally back on track (this was verified by finally coming to the road that I was actually supposed to turn on about 10 miles ago in the opposite direction).

When I came to the dead-end, I knew for certain where I was, and I made a lovely right-hand turn (truly, I easily passed the Bible test, but the Bible test is a story for another post), and drove for a good long while until I came to an incorporated area that I had never seen before. It was at that moment, that I thought to myself, "Hmm...did I take a wrong turn?" (Yes, feel free to openly mock me.)

As you might guess, I turned around and went in the other direction. About 30 minutes later, I had made it back to the "mistake" vicinity and was able to continue on. At this point, I really must admit that I didn't ACTUALLY KNOW where I was, I was just guessing that if the direction I had been going was wrong, then the other direction stood a good chance of being right.

Now, I know you are wondering why I did not stop and ask directions or stop and call someone to help, and I have very good reasons, too. First, I couldn't stop and ask directions I was in the middle of nowhere in rural Houston, Texas (really, stop laughing...that is not nice). Secondly, I am fairly certain that anybody I could have called was asleep by this time of night because it had taken me so long to figure out that I was lost in the first place.

Never fear, I did finally make it home, and it only took me an extra hour to make it there (that is a huge improvement in Jennifer-gets-lost world).

I Need Ideas

Help, I desperately need ideas for blog posts. I just can't come up with anything. I've had LOTS of little things happen over the week, but I think they all fall into "you don't want to hear about that" category.

Here are just a few things that you WOULDN'T want to read as a full-fledged blog post.

1. How I caught my toenail on a chair as I was moving it and now have only 9 toenails.
2. The person in front of me at the HEB checkout line who decided that it was the appropriate time to pick her teeth.
3. The fact that I have lost my "to do" list (you have no idea how much information this list contained), and I have been frantically searching my office for it.
4. The adverse reaction I had to the "past due" soy milk I tried to drink for breakfast the other day.
5. My shopping excursion to 2 Michaels and 3 Hobby Lobbys in search of a particular type of foam.

Unless I come up with an idea soon, there is a good chance that one of the abovementioned topics will make up the content of my next blog post.

Can You Brush Your Hair Too Much?

I know...it seems like an odd question to ask. Is it possible for one to brush one's hair too much?

So, I was sitting at the light today as I was heading to the county tax office (one of the many stops I had to make today in order to take care of the STUPID--yes, I said stupid--registration sticker ticket that I got a month ago). In front of me sat a school-bus yellow large truck, and inside the truck was this person ferociously brushing his/her hair.

Now, I must stop momentarily and say that I could not tell whether or not it was a him or a her, so I will not be able to make any gender-related conclusions. However, the hair was of the mulletesque style so perhaps a style-related conclusion can be drawn.

Nevertheless, I watched the person brush non-stop for a good 2 minutes, and that concerned me because 1) I don't brush my hair all that much and was beginning to wonder if I should embrace the Marsha Brady approach to hair brushing, 2) imagine how much yucky hair is being shed in that person's car over the course of a week, and 3) it was a MULLET (if you have a mullet, shouldn't you also sport a devil-may-care attitude or at least one of low-maintenance hygiene).

I think I would still be overly-concerned about this had I not passed by a motorized duck car with the door on the rear just a few minutes later. Guess that means tomorrow's post will be entitled "Should a Motorized Duck Car Really Have a Door on Its Bottom?"

Apparently I Am Common

So...come to find out...I am common. You know when as a young child your mother tells you how special and unique you are? Well, I have decided that might mother must have been lying.

In the past two weeks, I have had four different people tell me that I look just like someone they know or have recently met.

When person #1 told me, I just nodded, smiled, and said, "You know, I get that a lot," (which, strangely enough, is true). Then, person #2 said something to me, and they told me that "my twin" not only LOOKED like me, but they also ACTED and SPOKE just like me. Now my first question is how many people in America grew up in East Texas, went to school in the north, lived in Russia (all of which have shaped my manner of speech and dialect) and are overly-dramatic in conversation?

I had just about recovered from the second incident, when person #3 accosted me with the information that they, too, know someone who looks just like me.

Now, for most of my life, I really have heard that I look like someone else. Apparently, the slightly quirky glasses and penchant for slogan tshirts, layered clothing, and great heels (although, not all at the same time because black strappy heels really don't mesh well with the "I'm with stupid" tshirt) are not all that unique. However, I have CLUNG DESPERATELY to the hope that my mother was right, and I am truly one of a kind.

Then, I spoke with person #4. It happened this morning as I was waiting for church to begin. As the nice lady began to tell me that I look just like one of her students, my self-worth gently starts crumbling. As always, I nod, I smile, and I respond politely. It was at this point in the conversation that she tells me the student in question is in the 4th grade.

Yes...a 4th grader.

So, I am consoling myself with the notion that while I may not be unique or special, it seems that trick-or-treating is now an option for this year.

Extra Spending Money

This morning was a total brain power kind of morning. I had a couple of high-thought jobs that needed to be done. So this afternoon, I was kind of forced to focus on work that might fall more into the brainless category because my mind was spent (yes, I realize that it does not take much to get me into the "spent" category on brain power).

So, I went about shredding some things that needed to be disposed of. Before I continue, however, I should admit that I am not known for my patience in shredding. What this means is that when the shredder says it can only hold 4 sheets at a time, I like to test its ability and put more like 12 sheets in at a time. Therefore, I have broken the shredder on numerous occasions.

As I am working this afternoon, I am feeding about 8 sheets through at a time (we all know the 4 sheets max is just a suggestion), and the shredder starts making this awful noise and the motor keeps running forwards and backwards. So, I was forced to pull out the scissors (the perfect shredder-fixing tool is a pair of scissors), unplug the shredder and go to work.

What I pulled out was a mass of stuck credit card pieces (see picture above). Apparently, multiple people in the office have been using the credit card feature on the machine to destroy old cards, and the machine does not want to flaunt that feature.

Once I had all of the card pieces pulled out, the shredder now works beautifully (well, except the automatic feature has stopped working).

Now, I am thinking my next task for the afternoon is to work on piecing together all of the credit card parts that came out of the machine to create a little extra spending money for myself.

Blog List of Today (and a little yesterday)

Today has been an interesting day. You know it is definitely going to fall into the interesting category when your day beings with someone telling you, "I heard a rumor about you." So rather than try to piece together the day into one long post, I am just going to list the various moments of today (and some of yesterday).

1. I regularly wear a binder clip or large paper clip in my hair to keep it out of my face. I don't do this because it is stylish or because I am trying to start a new fashion trend. I do this because binder clips and paper clips are in the drawer of my desk. Up until this point, no one has ever noticed. Today, however, multiple people have both noticed and commented. I'm thinking it is time to invest in actual hair clips.

2. I have 10 boxes in my office currently waiting to be opened. For some reason, I just do not have the desire to open any of them. I do have to admit that 1 of the boxes is open, but I have not unpacked it. Instead, I just pull out what I need as I need it and leave the box sitting in front of my desk.

3. I ate peanut butter, pineapple, and oreos for lunch today. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It really does not seem like a good idea now. I feel a little sick. It probably didn't help that I also drank a lot of water because I was feeling yucky from my lunch. Now I feel swishy and yucky.

4. I (and when I say I, I actually mean my secretary, but we really shouldn't get hung up on technicalities) managed to fix the computerized check-in system that I broke on Sunday. A big woohoo for that.

5. I have been working on background checks lately for work. When I do this, I feel the need to run a background check on myself just to see if I have happened to commit a crime I don't know about. So far, I've been clean.

6. Yesterday, when I finished my work, I took a quick trip to Galveston to ride the ferry and sit on the beach. It was one of the most relaxing things I have done in a good while. I'm hoping to move my office permanently onto the Robert Criswell Memorial Ferry. Question...do they make computer shields for seagull poop?

Yes, I Live on the Third Floor

So, I think I did something not-so-smart this morning. To be fair, I was having a hurried morning (i.e. I don't know that I can be blamed for my actions). I kept dropping my blow dryer. My jeans were taking forever to dry. And, the humidity level in Houston has reached 127%, so my flat iron was having to work overtime. It was just one of those mildly frustrating mornings.

When I then spilled a glass of water all over my bathroom counter, that kind of tipped me over my breaking point. I marched into my room and flung myself on the bed. I use the word flung here to describe my action, but I should probably be truthful and explain that it was more of a flying leap rather than a fling.

(I must pause the story right here to clarify something. My bed sits on a set of those "As Seen on TV" bed risers. Unfortunately, this is important to note.)

So, as I fling myself onto my bed out of frustration, it very quickly becomes apparent that the legs on my bed were pretty near the edge of the bed risers because E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. comes crashing down. Risers on the foot-end of the bed tip over, 2 of the bed legs hit the ground, and a very loud crash resonates through the apartment complex (or at least through the two apartments below me, because yes, I live on the third floor).

Once I recovered from the shock of the collapse. I did my best attempt at being a structural engineer and determined that everything was okay. However, I can't help but think that tonight as I lay in my now structurally challenged bedroom, there may very well be a reenactment of "The Money Pit" scene where multiple floors give way to the bed.

Hmm...maybe I should sleep in my car tonight.

New Sky Mall Merchandise

I realize that I have posted about the latest Sky Mall merchandise before, but yesterday while I was on the plane to Oklahoma, I noticed they had a NEW issue out (yes, that is giddiness you hear in my voice). So, I decided to peruse the catalog and share with you some of my favorite new things from Sky Mall (and P.S., some of you may be getting one or more of these items for Christmas).

1. Put away those Wii's and Xbox's. Through the Sky Mall, you can purchase a Full Size Arcade Legends Game (think Putt Putt's arcade room). Imagine the hour of joy your family will get out of a $3700 arcade game that only plays one game.

2. Do you have someone at work that won't leave you alone? Is there a pesky coworker who sits across the cubicle and makes slurping sounds when he drinks? Well, then you need the Marshmallow Shooter. Load up the Marshmallow Shooter with a bag of jumbo marshmallows and softly annoy your coworker until he quits. It's both fun for you and beneficial in the long run.

3. Many of you are closet Star Wars fan (well, except you K*****, who owns your own Darth Vadar mask and wears it in public). So, what better way to say Merry Christmas than with a Voice Activated R2-D2. It really doesn't do anything except beep and make other droid-like sounds, but if you are lonely (and my guess is that most Star Wars fans are probably lonely), then Mr. R2-D2 makes a wonderful addition to your stuffed cat collection, and he will at least beep at you.

4. Do you have wedgie issues (no, not that type of wedgie)? Does your pant leg get tucked under your heel when you wear sling back shoes? Well, then you should invest in the Pants Un-Heeled. It keeps you from experiencing the annoying pant/heel wedgie. Plus for those of you with more than 2 legs, you can buy 6 Pants Un-Heeled for a discounted rate.

5. If you are a fan of museum-life, then I have got the best gift for you. You need the King Tut Life-Sized Sarcophagus Cabinet, because nothing says classy home decor like a mummy coffin. If you would like to continue that style throughout your house, then Sky Mall also sells a life-sized replica of King Tutankhamen's Egyptian Throne Chair. You could get a set of 8 for your dining room, and then everyone would have the joy of feeling like a dead king.

Those are just a few of the new offerings from Sky Mall. If you are interested in checking them out on your own, then they now have an Iphone App for the Sky Mall and gift cards available.

I'm not meaning to spoil the suprise of Christmas, but I have just ordered a couple of Rock Lamps, a large Cannon Residental Safe, and four Shirtpocket Underwater Cameras. Look for those items in your stockings.

Toasty Warm with the IRS

Yes, fellow Houstonites, I realize that the current 66 degree weather is not bordering on hypothermic. However, for someone who stays cold most of the times, it is positively nippy outside.

In fact, after running errands and doing a little work on my day off in a short sleeve shirt, I came home feeling miserably cold. So, I did the smart thing and put on flannel pajama pants, a sweatshirt, and turned on my heater. Now, before you start rolling your eyes and calling me names that emphasize my wimp-ish qualities, keep in mind that that is not very nice (and I will tell my mama on you).

Anyway, back to the story.

I turned on my heater. Now, for those that know me well, you know that is a big deal. I do not like to spend money on things like electricity, water, food (no, shoes do not fall into the "don't like to spend money on" category because they are necessities). Therefore, I really work to save my money. I don't turn on my air conditioner unless I am going to have company or straighten my hair, (Yes, I am actually serious about that one. My chi gives off major amounts of heat and could double as a space heater.) and I am generally excited to see what my electric bill is most months.

All of that "saving money" got me in trouble, though, this last year. Apparently, the IRS does not like you to save money, and all of those savings ended up costing me much money (I'm guessing it cost me more than if I had just turned on my air conditioner in the first place).

So, as we launch into winter (or what feels like winter in my reality), I am going to be toasty warm with the IRS because I am going to use my heater and just have a devil-may-care attitude about my electric bill. You know, I might even decide to run my dishwasher when it is only half-full and be just as flippant with my water bill.

I feeling a little emboldened. Who knows what will be next.

What a Day

So, I actually have a few things that come to mind in considering what to blog about, but I would have to be too cryptic in my description/discussion of these items, and my level of crypticivity (yeah, not a word, but it sounded good to me) is non-existent this evening. So, you will be treated to a recap of my day (complete with gun toting, teeth missing Texans).

This morning two others and I set out to do a survey trip for one of our activities. We had two places on the agenda to visit and decided to make the trip in one of the ladies brand new car.

The first half of the day went very smoothly. Really, there were no problems at all, and we were feeling good about ourselves and our ability to accomplish our tasks for the day. (Boy, did we speak to soon.)

As we were heading to our second destination with the help of the car's navigation system, we traveled into the world of navigation system purgatory. Had we been smart or even the tiniest bit savvy, we would have turned the car around immediately. Instead...this is what happened (presented in bullet form because each problem was significant enough to merit its own grammatical emphasis).

• We were sent down a road that had no pavement (entirely dirt) and no outlet. Yes, our progress was stopped by a huge mud puddle and fence.
• We then ended up going 17 miles in the wrong direction.
• When Mr. Onstar (the nice man we visited through the navigation system) tried to help us find our way, we all three wanted him to stay on the line with us in case tears started flowing.
• Once we were traveling down the proper path, we were met head on by a very large backhoe working on said road. Backhoe then forced us onto the left-hand side of the road where we remained for multiple miles.
• Next road we were to turn on had a road closed sign posted at its entrance.
• When we passed a car that we were able to flag down for help, one of us asked him what all was out this way, and he laughed. That laughter either indicated that we had stumbled upon the largest moonshine production area in Texas or a scene from Deliverance.
• We also managed to locate Bela Karolyi's exclusive training facility and encampment. Still not sure how we stumbled upon that.
• Were finally able to eat lunch around 3pm at a gas station. Our other option was the Pic and Pay (I am so not making that up; nor did I misspell "Pic").

After having spent the majority of the evening slightly nauseated, I am now thinking the Pic and Pay might have been the better food option.

Writing Inspiration

So, I have been pretty busy as of late, and this week is especially flurried with activity. You would think with so much going on, that I would have plenty of blog material to choose from. Well, apparently not. I cannot come up with anything.

So, as I typically do when I have nothing to write, I will present you with a list. This list is the top 10 things that currently make me laugh pretty hard.

1. The "Budget Casket" store I pass by fairly often. This is funny to me because my mother desperately hopes to be a crash test dummy when she is no longer with us (yes, it is morbid, but that is what she told us), and I am thinking that the "Budget Casket" store offers her a few more options.

2. When my dear, sweet friend who shall remain nameless tells me to put on my big girl panties and get over something. Yes, it generally makes me laugh because of the imagery associated with the thought.

3. Bright green fanny packs and Coach, gold trimmed, high-top sneakers. Yes, I saw both of those items on a couple of ladies in the mall the other day.

4. The words Happy Birthday and dumptruck as said by a couple of my favorite special needs kids in specific context. Ask me to tell you the story sometime if you want a good laugh.

5. When my niece dressed up for nerd day at school this past week, the majority of her outfit came from my father's closet (including the bright orange Hawaiian shirt).

6. That I still go "ice skating" through the grocery store in flip flops and a grocery cart. If you've done it, you know exactly what I am talking about.

7. That all my change smells like pickles because I didn't clean out my change jar (an old pickle jar) well enough before I started using it, and now cashiers generally sniff my money before they put it in the cash register.

8. The show "I Love Lucy". Favorite show of all time. ALWAYS makes me laugh.

9. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

10. Tama's description of a conference her group recently sang at (Tama et al., I have told and retold those stories to a whole lot of people).

An Actual Pumpkin Story

Yes, I realize that I have written long, lilting posts on the wonderment (is that really a word) that is the pumpkin, and yes, this post will be slightly similar. However, this time, instead of talking about how wonderful pumpkins are, I actually have my own real, live pumpkin story to tell.

Since we have hit this beautiful time of year called fall (although the weather did not seem to get the "fall memo"), I have been entranced once again by all things pumpkin.

I pass by a Starbucks and think how wonderful a pumpkin latte might be even though I actually cannot stand the taste of coffee. I venture into Bed, Bath, and Beyond and stand for hours smelling the glorious pumpkin scented candles until the manager runs me out (yes, unfortunately that is true). You get the picture...I loobloo (russian word for love) pumpkins.

So, the other day on my facebook status, I mentioned that I would like to make some pumpkin ravioli, but I wasn't entirely certain how to cook a pumpkin (this was inspired by an insomnial night watching Iron Chef America on Fancast). I received a bevy of responses on how might be the best way to do this. One of the mothers from church left detailed instructions on the proper way to do just this, and after reading her instructions, I actually felt moderately capable of handling the task (yes, I know that is called being delusional, but we are in my world now). However, because of the busyness of my week and weekend, I didn't have a chance to try.

Then, yesterday morning at church, I am standing at my normal post (probably leaning against the wall, because on Sunday mornings, I seem to be short on energy and need the wall to keep me vertical), and up walks the dad and daughter from this family. You would not believe what the daughter was carrying.

Yes, it was a P.U.M.P.K.I.N. Oh. My. Goodness. Extreme giddiness overtook me, and I became the happiest person in the whole world (quite literally), because have I mentioned how much I love all things pumpkin?

So, I am now prepared with the proper information, a recipe, and the most beautiful looking pumpkin you have ever seen (seriously, people, if I had a camera at home, I would take a picture of it and frame it on my desk), and tonight for dinner, I will indeed be making pumpkin ravioli.

My Thumbs Are Faster than a Speeding Bullet

Yes, it is true. And no, I am not bragging. My thumbs really are faster than a speeding bullet.

Over the past few years as I have honed my texting skills, my thumbs have picked up quite a bit of speed and agility. I can reply back to a "Whatcha doin" with a multiple word answer faster than a Black Friday mad-dash to the electronics section.

Now granted, these fast thumbs of mine are now twice the size of my other fingers (in a strangely muscular way), but this skill really has served me well because I have been able to apply it to my Itouch. On days that I would rather not take my laptop home, I am still able to check my email, catch up with friends, and get a little work done from the comfort of my own home. Plus, the touch screen keys are set up in a very similar manner to my phone, and so I am able to do all of those things quickly.

Here's where the problem lies in all of that. Sometimes my thumbs move so quickly that an injury occurs (no, not a thumb injury because that would be just silly and a little embarrassing). Instead, I am talking about a face injury.

You see, last night I was lying in bed emailing one of my friends and my thumbs got to moving not just fast but super-duper fast, and the Itouch began to slip from my grasp. I should probably take this moment to explain that I was laying on my back holding the Itouch above my face. Are you seeing where this is going?

Yes, indeed, the Itouch slipped from my grasp and whacked me on the bridge of my nose. It. Hurt. It hurt so much my eyes teared up just a bit.

So, I felt it pertinent to take this moment to issue a word of caution to all of you out there who also have lightning-fast thumbs (and tend to lie in bed with a mobile or email device suspended above your face). Do not get careless with the power of your thumbs because you could be chatting with a friend one minute and having to nurse a black eye or busted lip the next.

Please, people, be respectful of the thumbs.

Interesting Diatribe

So, earlier today, I read an interesting diatribe on the use of the colon right parentheses. You know what I am talking about--the :).

I am so not a big fan of emoticons (or fake emoticons) in general probably because I don't "read between the lines" very well. I expect that what you say is actually what you mean. If you tell me, "Great job on the speech you gave. :)" Then I read that as you really think I did a great job. If I know I really didn't do such a good job, then I also will think that you are not terribly bright for not recognizing that fact. Problem is (as the author of the above diatribe rightly states) that when one puts a ":)" within a text or email message, it means that text or email probably wasn't meant to be very nice to begin with.

With that being said, I have a friend who is emoticon-happy. She loves using emoticons. However, she is also a very kind person and does not typically utilize sarcasm as a major speech tool. So, when she emoticons in a text to me, I completely understand what she is saying, but with most, that is not the case (again, it goes back to that whole "reading between the lines" thing).

So, note to everyone out there, I will no longer recognize emoticons as a valid form of communication (unless, of course, you have been grandfathered in; I have that list available for those who need to see it). If you want to tell me that I am stupid, please simply type, "You are stupid." Resist the urge to include the ":)" or the ":(" or the ";)" because I simply won't understand what you mean, and I will spend the next hour reciting your message with the included smile, frown, or wink to dissect it's meaning.

People, I really don't have that kind of time. :)

I Guess I Have to Admit It Was My Fault

So, I haven't blogged recently because I have been busy and a little under the weather, but also because I couldn't really think of anything to write...UNTIL THIS EVENING.

I ran to the store late this afternoon, and on my way home, I was talking on the phone. As I am driving down the road, I see a policeman passing me going the other direction. Now I must pause momentarily and assure you I was most definitely not speeding, not even a tiny little bit.

Needless to say, I was very much surprised when I saw the policeman whip around and turn on his lights. I signaled to turn on my street, and he followed me with lights still flashing.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I quickly hung up the phone and pulled over to the side of the road, and the policeman pulled up behind me.

I roll down the window to wait for the policeman, and I start digging through my glove compartment trying to find my insurance card (note to self, clean out the glove compartment because insurance cards form 2007 do you no good). When the policemen walks up to the car he tells me that my registration sticker is expired. To which I reply, "Ooh, ooh, ooh, I have my new one."

You see, when my new registration sticker came in the mail, I couldn't get the sticker off my windshield, so I put it in my purse to wait for the next time my dad came to visit so that he could change out my sticker.

Well, when I explained that to the policeman, he didn't seem to think that that was a reasonable explanation for why I was driving around with an expired registration sticker. I'm not really sure why, because it sounded reasonable to me.

So, I have to get my sticker changed out within 10 days, and I can get the ticket dismissed. I guess I have to admit that it really was my fault. (Note to self, invite parents for a visit about this time next year so my dad can change out my sticker.)

I Should Have Listened More Closely

I set out pretty early this morning to head back to Houston from Dallas. My plan was to get back to Houston early enough that I could get a good bit of work done before church this evening.

Unfortunately, the atmosphere did not agree with my plan.

About 1 1/2 hours from Houston it started pouring...major P.O.U.R.I.N.G. I did all the proper car things of turning on my lights, turning both my front and back windshield wipers on, and slowing down. However, it was still really hard to see what was in front of me.

So, I resumed "old lady pose" (i.e. hands gripping the wheel, face as close to the glass as possible) to try to make driving a little easier. But it was still really hard to see. It was so dark outside, and the rain was coming down in sheets. It was then that I noticed my sunglasses...which were still on my face. Apparently, I had neglected to realize that I was still wearing my sunglasses. So, once I pulled them off, it was instantly lighter.

I then relaxed into the "not quite as old lady pose" and continued on my way.

Numerous big bolts of lightning flashed through the sky. They were a little too huge and bright for my comfort level (I thought about putting my sunglasses back on). I was a little worried that my car might be struck by lightning. I thought back to 8th grade Earth Science and tried to remember what my teacher said about lightning. Apparently, I didn't listen well in class, because I really had no idea what my teacher had said about where lightning would strike.

Needless to say, I readied myself to become a stunt driver and avoid any streaks of electrical current that might possibly make contact with my vehicle.

As one might expect, I got back to Houston without incident, but apparently our building was not so lucky, because I walked into an office area scattered with trashcans and missing ceiling tiles. The roof seems to have a leak or two or thirty in it. Currently, our nice copy machine is pulled out from the wall and covered with garbage bags.

Maybe this is the perfect excuse to make copies. I can get up under the garbage bags and no one will find me. Then I can take a nap snuggled up to the warmth of the Ikon.

Hanging with the 'Rents

So, I am "living up" my little mini-vacation, and by "living up" I mean staying with the family and hanging out with my Dallas peeps. Because vacations are always more exciting than regular, everyday life, I thought I would share a little of what I have done so far.

1. Visited a lemonade stand for charity. It was a group of middle school girls from my old church that were trying to raise money for the Bethany Girls Home in India. They raised almost $400 with their lemonade stand yesterday afternoon.

2. I have checked and rechecked my niece's vocabulary and reading homework. Can I just say, "Ugh!" This wasn't just quick checking of homework, this was "I had to read the required reading passages to be able to see if the answers on her homework were correct." Again, I say, "Ugh!"

3. We did a family dinner last night at Carino's. Food was yummy, but the service was slow, so we had plenty of time to visit and discover an overabundance of the use of air quotes in our general family conversation. We must reign those air quotes in.

4. Tonight I get to head out with some friends just to hang. This evening's acitivites will probably include dinner at Potbelly's which has the world's BEST peanut butter and jelly sandwich (and yes, I do regularly go to restaurants and order PBJ sandwiches).

5. In the meantime, I am needing to kill a little bit of time today before I head out, so I have pulled out the laptop located the first few seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on hulu and have been watching it all morning. I would like to maintain that that is perfectly acceptable vacation behavior, and that I should not be embarrassed in the least by that. In fact, if I had a few extra days of vacation, I might also locate the first few seasons of Dawson's Creek and remember the days of teen agnst along with the vampire slaying.

Oh well...I head back to Houston tomorrow. So, I am going to embrace my vacation behavior just a little bit longer before I have to go back to the real world.

Googling Thoughts

I have been up since about 5:30 this morning.

Yes, I know it is a holiday. My mind is fully aware of that, but my body seems to have neglected that piece of information. So, sleeping in was not really an option this morning.

To help pass the time while the rest of the house was asleep, I played around on my computer. One of my favorite things to do when I am bored is to just google random questions/thoughts/interests/etc online to see what I can learn about those topics. So, here is a smattering (that's my new favorite word) of what I googled.

**I have grand visions of riding a bike to and from work each day. I don't live that far from my work, and so it seems like a viable option. So, in my "bordeom googling" I mapquested exactly how far it was from my house to my work, and I also looked at various bikes (the Madsen bucket bike is my favorite, but my pocketbook will not open and let me purchase one). However, I should probably mention that I broke my arm one summer in college riding my bike from campus to my apartment when I crashed and tried not to land on my already broken other arm.

**The idea of canning fascinates me. I have even checked a few books out of the library on canning just so I can learn more about it. The sites I read this morning suggested starting with vegetables because of the high acid content. I wonder if I could dedicate a day to making my own soap, canning my own vegetables, and making some homemade bread? Then I could sit on the side of the road and sell my goods like a traveling merchant.

**Squeaking brakes...right now the brakes are squeaking on my car. I asked my dad if he could just oil them, but apparently if you oil the brakes then not only do they not squeak, but they also do not stop your car. So, I have been reading about house easy (in theory) it is to replace your own brakes. All you need is a few simple tools. Do you think a Swiss Army Knife, a flower-painted hammer, and cordless screwdriver count as the necessary "few simple tools"? I'll let you know.

**At a movie the other night, I saw a little "fun fact" thing that said Ashley Tisdale (HSM 1, 2, & 3) was the cousin of Ron Popeil. The Ron Popeil. Did you know that not only can you still purchase his Food Dehydrator and his Rotissrie, but the GLH (hair in a can) Formula 9 System that he invented is still available.